I'M NOT FUNNY TO YOU? :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "I'm here to amuse you? How am I not funny to you? How am I not funny? I'm not funny like a clown's not funny?

Email from Mike South: "...me n Tim Case noticed you aint as funny since you cut your hair."

And this from the hillbilly's website: "Last year I named him the funniest blogger on the web, this year he got religion and cut his hair and apparently it has affected his sense of humor. He used to be the funniest fucker in porn (Quaze is funny to but he rarely has anything to say anymore). Grow your hair back out JimmyD and don't let the bible thumpers steal your sharp wit. I look forward to a laugh when I read your site."

Normally, I wouldn't pay much attention to the drawled observations of a gun-toting, fish-hooking, rebel smutmaker from Dixie and his Robin-to-Batman, suitcase pimp sidekick from Ohio, but I'm feeling ornery today, so I'll take the bait.

First, lemme tell you two something-- like being green (as Kermit the Frog says), being funny ain't easy either.

Second, I owe being funny to someone? To anyone? What's that all about? What are you saying? I should be on Gene Ross's deadbeat list? Not for owing money, but for owing some laughs? When the fuck did I incur a comedy debt?

This is a serious business, this porn business. And I've now taken it seriously. I ain't some Samson-clown who lost his humor when I cut my locks! I didn't trade God for my jokey nature! And God didn't strike me with a comedy-robbing thunderbolt.

You think it's easy getting up in the morning, sitting in front of a computer, and making fun of a bunch of retards? You think it's a snap to mock the pretentiousness of so many porn directors and XXX biz company owners? You assume it's a walk in the park comedically extracting the lies and bullshit from pompous, outlandish, and full-of-shit press releases?

Besides, I don't know if you've noticed or not but--believe it or not-- the morons have miraculously smartened up a bit. They've gone an inch or two underground with their moronic behavior. I guess they've been bitten on the ass one too many times by sites like mine and others.

So what am I supposed to do? Spend my quality time with a humor-driven garden spade digging and rooting out the inept, dysfunctional, and socially reprehensible behavior of so many of these dimwits? And then playing it for laughs? That's work! That's unpaid work! You think someone pays me to be funny? You think I collect a paycheck for my wit?

Here's what I figured out: What's the most-common, common denominator of all the people making the most money in this business other than being Jewish?

They're not funny.

The rich, jizz biz power brokers couldn't make a baby laugh by tickling them. Yeah, Quaze is funny. And Wankus is funny too! (Although not as funny as I can be.) But I don't remember seeing either of them walking into a bank with a suitcase full of cash to deposit. Granted, a person can be not so funny, like Harry Weiss, and still not be able to walk into a bank with a shitload of cash, but that's another story for another time.

When's the last time you heard anything funny coming out of the mouth of a David Sturman or a Larry Flynt or a Steve Hirsch or a Paul Fishbein? If anyone ever laughs when any of these guys say something it's because those doing the laughing are sucking ass. And like cocksuckers, there's certainly no shortage of ass-suckers in this business.

Am I explaining myself clearly enough? Are you getting my drift?

You might argue that Ron Jeremy makes a lot of dough being funny. But if you know Ronnie, you know he ain't all that funny. He's a clown for sure. And he's a fairly well-to-do clown, but seriously funny he ain't.

I see porn directors walking around pretending to be serious artists and filmmakers and getting BIG budgets to make over-the-top-pretentious porn. You think they get those BIG budgets cuz they're funny? You think making people laugh has some BIG payday for anyone in porn?

You don't think I can make some boring, overtly pretentious, BIG budget, porn? Trust me, I can. And if it takes not being funny to prove that, I'll wipe the grin off my face faster than a pornstar wiping spooge off her face after a healthy dousing of manjuice.

I'll tell you what I think: I think the funnier I might be, the less money anyone will put in my pocket.

And that's the biggest joke of all.

And unfortunately for your's truly, that joke's on me.

This website will now return to its normally-scheduled, simply boring, bullshit.

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