According to an annonymous photographer I know, the man pictured at left purports to be Fred Buccolini. The photographer promises nude photos of some Russian tennis player will follow.

But more importantly, the ever-mysterious Buccolini emails in with more advice for the free world.


Spring Cleaning
by Fred Buccolini

It’s time for Spring Cleaning and you want to weed out that dusty box of porn tapes in your closet. What to throw away and what to give away maybe the most important questions you’ll ask yourself next to buying a house or having a child.

THE THROW AWAYS: How do you decide. I recommend the step-on test. Yes that’s right folks, I recommend putting the tape on the floor and stepping on it. If the tape smashes or cracks you can throw it away. Companies that fail the smash test: Vivid Video and Leisure Time are the big winners here. These tapes are cheap and you probably got them cheap, so throw them away---in fact throw them out the freakin’ window just make sure it’s open.

THE GIVE AWAYS: How do you decide? Are some of your favorite starlets looking long in the tooth? Give her away. Most likely she’s out of the business and she won’t hold it against you.

WHAT TO DO WITH EMBARRASSING CONTENT: This could be a tape you picked up out of curiosity but wouldn’t want to be caught dead with it. This is a cause for drastic action. I would pick a quiet Sunday evening; furtively load these tapes into the backseat of your car and drive up to the Hollywood Sign. I would dispose of the tapes near any of the big letters. Make sure you are wearing plastic gloves so you don’t leave prints. Why not just fling the tapes off the mountain? Well,there maybe a confused pot smoking teen who will discover your collection and be grateful.

WHEN YOU FELT CONNED BY THE BOXCOVER: Ever buy a tape that promised the world but delivered shit? Or what about lousy duplication... you know that orange haze along with poor tracking? What was that? You say it’s ninety percent of your collection? Get creative. The obvious response would be to never buy from that manufacturer. But if ninety percent of your tapes are Con Jobs you either need glasses and are buying from the same handful of manufacturers who use different names or you need to “think” and stop listening to your dick.

Next to creating a bonfire of your tapes in the backyard, I would suggest actually driving out to Porn Valley and paying a personal visit to the company in question. Yes, that‘s right, pick up your collection of shit and just freakin’ drop it on the receptionist’s desk and say: “I’M AS MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!” You’ll probably be escorted out of the building by a guy named Guido, but you will have made your point.

Just remember, it all starts with you, the porn consumer.






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