Once again I found myself tossing and turning and unable to fall asleep last night. Thankfully, I was able to turn to my reliable, online depressant, AVNinsider.com; and in particular, anything written by John T. Bone.

I'm about to click on Bone's column when I notice that Al "I Invented Modern-Day Porno" Borda has a new entry. So I click on it first, thinking I'll catch a quick laugh, then let Bone lull me into unconsciousness.

As usual, Al doesn't let me down as I read his unintentionally hilarious take on the world of porn.

Al begins by telling everyone he's really trying to become a better person (You go, Al!), and then reminds us that practically no one in the entire porn business has ever had an original idea (with the possible exception of Al himself). What these two diverse facts from the World-According-to-Al-Borda have to do with one another, I have no idea. Al then proceeds to blast company owners who use noms d'porn (i.e., phony names) instead of their real names. But I'm really not sure who the heck Al's talking about here. I'm pretty sure that Russ Hampshire really is Russ Hampshire and always has been. And I'm pretty sure David Sturman is David Sturman, then, now, and forever more. There are some Jewish guys who have Anglicized their Jewish names, but that goes on in the real world too, so I'm pretty sure Al wasn't complaining about them. And let's not forget those porn guys who've adopted Italian names because, well, because we all know Italian names are way cooler than Jewish names (no offense Mitch Spinelli), so I'm also pretty sure Al wasn't talking about them either. In the end, I never did figure out who Al was talking about, but I guess Al knows, so what's more important than that?

Al's column then complained about porn companies ripping off titles of mainstream shows (guess I'm guilty as hell on that one with my "Sopornos" series), and he also questioned the wisdom of American bukkake since, after all, the Japanese already invented it and besides, Al wonders, how many different ways can a camera guy shoot a hundred loads of spooge splattering some chic's face anyway? Al ends his column by complaining about guys who soup up their Honda Civics and ricky-race them down the freeways.

Uhm.... Yeah, they piss me off too, Al.

By signing off with "Thank You and Fuck You," (a nice, friendly, personal touch), Al validated to the rest of the world why AVN doesn't pay its AVNinsider columnists.

Ok. Time for Mr. Bone: Johnny T; T-Bone; the white-haired lecherous limey, AVN sports commentator, pornographer, and all around very cheeky guy.

I can already feel a yawn coming on.

John's column this week is titled "Sometimes Shit Just Happens," which is a modified adage that I've certainly never heard before, and you probably haven't either.

John begins by recounting the misadventures of Robert Hill (of Robert Hill Releasing, I suppose) shooting trannies in the wilds of far-off Brazil. From what I've heard, Brazil has the second largest porn industry in the world! (Second only to the West Valley.) And I've also heard that Brazil has more trannies per square mile then anywhere with the possible exception of West Hollywood or certain districts of San Francisco. It seems Mr. Hill commited the same dumb-fuck act as a lot of guys do here in America and decided to shoot in an over-shot house that the neighbors were practically in armed revolt about. So, here comes the law and everyone was arrested and equipment was confiscated, but Robert Hill is now back in America safe and sound and planning his next tranny-shooting trip to Brazil. Bone thinks Hill needs a wheelbarrow to carry his balls because of this, I think Hill needs his head examined.

Bone then blathers on about the Lakers and the Dodgers, and by the time he's almost done and making comments about AVNInsider's editor, Heidi, and how big her tits are, and should he bring condoms to their lunch date because I guess he thinks he might get to fuck her, I mercifully fell fast asleep.

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