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Survey: Poll
In the future, the most successful XXX companies will...

Produce softer products w/more production value.
Produce harder products w/more shock value.
Produce an equal amount of the above.

[ Results | Polls ]

Votes: 59 | Comments: 0



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_POSTEDON 2002-06-27 16:37:29 by jimmyd

News jimmyd _writes "In an incredible display of one-upsmanship, three of XXX's top PR geniuses each sent out press releases today that have set the world of porn on it's collective ears.

Adella O'Neil, Digital Playground's PR femme extraordinaire, kicked off the press release frenzy first thing this morning with her announcement that Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arrafat would be joining the Tera Patrick Show as guests.

"Digital Playground is the undisputed world leader in quality, XXX product, and as such, believes it has a corporate responsibility to work towards world peace. In the spirit of Digital Playground's new quest, noted porn director Nic Andrews has been named the company's first, 'Goodwill Ambassador at Large.' Adella's press release explained: "Of all Digital Playground's senior staff, Nic is best suited to attend the many dinners, banquets, and buffets a 'Goodwill Ambassador at Large' would be expected to attend."

Adella's press release further announced that Sharon and Arrafat will be guests on the same show at the same time. "We think some real progress towards peace in the Middle East can be achieved once we get these two men talking, while seated between a couple of beautiful, naked women who won't mind if the two leaders can't keep their war-torn hands to themselves."

Tera Patrick, the articulate hostess of the highly-rated cyber-show, is quoted as saying, "When's the last time you think Chairman Arrafat got laid? The old fuck needs some. If it will help promote peace, I'm more than willing to fuck that old camel-jockey myself, even if I end up with sand in my snatch! Besides, I always wanted to know what's under that tablecloth he wears on his head."

Not to be outdone, Digital's other contract star, Devon (whose latest epic, 'Devon Stripped,' is expected to be the first XXX movie ever to be considered for an Academy Award in a newly created special category for X-rated movies shot with a Canon XL-1s with a 35mm lens adaptor device that creates a 'film look.' This, according to the faux-film's director and DP's newly appointed 'Goodwill Ambassador at Large,' Nic Andrews.) anyway, Devon promises to take Ariel Sharon home with her for a wild, lust-filled, 'Devon Stripped' kind of weekend, and give the Israeli leader the time of his life. "If it will help stop the senseless violence in the Middle-East," said a teary-eyed, socially concerned Devon. "I'll even let him fuck me in the ass."

Shortly after the Digital Playground release had hit the cyber-news columns, Scott Stein, Sin City's uber-PR guy, and the man behind the famous Britney Spears million dollar offer, announced that Sin City was officially withdrawing it's Britney Spears offer, and instead, would be willing to pay Martha Stewart one million dollars to perform a hardcore, boy/girl sex scene in an upcoming Michael Raven movie, tentatively titled, "This Old Whore House."

Stein is quoted as saying, "Since those Enron girls took it all off for Playboy, we're hoping Martha Stewart will do the same and more for us. It is, after all, a Michael Raven film, which is the closest thing to a mainstream movie porn has to offer, even if the cast might all be fucking each other in the ass." Scott added, "Martha's legal bills have to be piling up. We're hoping she'll consider our offer the same way many porn stars consider reasonable cash offers when the rent's due, or they're about to repossess their car."

Harry Weiss, Metro's very important PR guy, then sent out a Metro very important press release. Harry, citing the success of his over-the-hill, has-been rapper line with Money B and that other soul brother, announced that Metro hopes to continue to cash in on the nostalgia craze by bringing back some has-been oldies from the Golden Age of Television to perform in a new, mature-themed, trans-sexual line entitled "Slamming TV Grannies With TV Trannies."

Already signed on to take it in the ass from, amongst others, a Carol Burnett impersonating trans-sexual, are Bea Arthur (of 'The Golden Girls' fame), and Eve Arden, who played the title role in the 1950's 'Our Miss Brooks' television show. The infamous, three-and-a-half-star director, Quasarman, who is scheduled to direct the ground-breaking series, had this to say. "I'm looking forward to working with some real acting talent for a change. Bea Arthur has always been a favorite of mine, and I loved Eve Arden in 'Grease.' I've probably jerked-off to episodes of "The Golden Girls" more times than I care to count."

An interesting sidenote: It's rumored that Harry Weiss was advised that he couldn't have booked Miss Arden for the series as Miss Arden's been dead for over a decade. The very important Mr. Weiss responded with, "Who gives a shit! We're Metro! We'll dig her up and send her to Houston's plastic surgeon. Besides, they used Mae West in a couple of films after she died, didn't they?"

It's further rumored that Harry Weiss recently enrolled in a comedy class at 'The Learning Tree.'


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