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The jiz biz is in the toilet.

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_POSTEDON 2002-08-27 17:55:56 by jimmyd

News jimmyd _writes "

Fucking great! Now I have something new to worry about: flying fucking snakes! Yep, I just read there are snakes on this planet that fly, and in fact, they can fly fairly impressive distances.

I'm not goofing on you. This ain't Monty Python's Flying Circus, this is more like Monty's Flying Python Circus. Except a circus is supposed to be fun, and there's nothing fun about aerial serpents. I'm talking about real snakes here... barnstorming boas... airborn anacondas... upper-atmosphere, high-velocity vipers... you know, amphibians or reptiles or whatever the fuck they are (as opposed to two-legged snakes, which there are plenty of here in the porn biz and with whom I must deal with day-to-day.) But for right now, I'm talking about the slithering, scaly, slimy, armless, legless snakes that fly. And let me point out that I really hate snakes. I don't like them one bit. I maybe even hate them more then the human kind...well, maybe not.

Anyway, if you're like me and you hate snakes, you're probably wary of them. Perhaps 'wary' is too gentle a word: You're probably down-right scared shitless of them. And you're probably sometimes afraid you might actually come across a snake. Of course, up till now, we only had to worry about stepping on snakes, or possibly we needed to worry about snakes hanging from tree branches. But now--Jesus--now we have to worry about some fucking snake dive-bombing out of the sky, with venom-filled Kamikaze fangs, gliding in for the kill!

According to Jake Socha, a biologist at the University of Chicago, these flying snakes ignore conventional aerodynamics, and are able to soar with the greatest of ease--travelling distances of up to 330 feet and making mid-flight 90 degree turns. Mr. Socha found that the snake does not fly through the air so much as swim. "It not only flattens its entire body, it moves at the same time. It turns its body into a thin aerofoil by sucking in its stomach and generates lift by wriggling, as if swimming in water."

Although these snakes, the flying kind, mostly inhabit certain parts of Southeast Asia, I'm thinking, shit, there's a lot of Southeast Asians here in Southwest California and how much you want to bet some of them brought a flying snake or two with them when they came over? They probably eat them in sushi or something, but guaranteed one or two of them got loose and I just know as sure as I'm sitting here typing this crap, that if there's a snake gliding through the skies over Los Angeles, it's a good bet I might end up in it's flight path. That's my luck lately.

So what to do? Steel helmets? Too freakin' hot. Reinforced umbrellas? That'd look way to gay for a manly man like myself to be walking down the street on a beautiful, clear, California day with an umbrella folded open over my head. I really don't know. I'm concerned about looking up for snakes, because if one lands, they come down on my face instead of the top of my head or my shoulders. So I really don't know what to do other than stay indoors as much as possible and hope the flying snakes don't come slithering down my chimmney.

You might not want to tell your children about this. They already have enough stuff to worry about like the boogeyman and strangers. I'm only sharing this with you as a public service message. I know most of you are probably thinking I've gone off the deep end worrying about something as unlikely as a flying snake landing on me; I know Quasarman does. But if a flying snake actually lands on you...well, don't say I didn't warn you.

And if one lands on me? I'm heading North, maybe to Alaska, maybe even farther. I could probably shoot a series up there: "Anal Igloo Inuits," or something. The best part is I don't think snakes like the cold.


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