I interviewed the hot new director, Creme Rinze, this afternoon.

JD: Creme, thanks for taking the time to sit with me.

CR: Yeah, well, I'm usually not too comfortable with journalists.

JD: Oh? Why's that?

CR: I don't like to be misquoted.

JD: I see. Has that happened much in your career?

CR: Well, no. But I know it happens a lot to other hot new directors, and I just don't want it to happen to me.

JD: I'll do my best to be accurate.

CR: Thanks. Go ahead. I'll let you know if you're misquoting me.

JD: You mean when I write up the interview.

CR: Yeah... and now too. If I say something that you misquote, or I think you're misquoting, or I sense you're about to misquote, I'll tell you right away. You know, before it gets dangerous.

JD: I don't think I understand.

CR: See? That's how shit gets misquoted... when you don't understand.

JD: Oh. Right. Good point. I get it now.

CR: Cool.

JD: Ok. Creme Rinze. Hot new porn director with a new kind of vision: that's what your bio says.

CR: Yeah. I wrote that. Cool, huh? But yeah, that's me. I wasn't sure how to sum up what I am, you know? I think it's important for an artist to get in touch with who he is, right? There's a lot of guys doing this, you know, directing porn, and I thought, how am I different? And then it fucking hit me, man. It hit me like a.. like a...

JD: Epiphany?

CR: A what?

JD: Epiphany. It's like a comprehension, or a perception of reality where you suddenly have this intuitive realization. It's like you experienced a spiritual flash that changed the way you view yourself.

CR: Cool. Yeah, that's what I had. I had an...

JD: Epiphany.

CR: Right. And when I had it I knew... I really knew, man, what I was all about in this thing.

JD: This thing?

CR: This porn thing.

JD: Right.

CR: You were about to misquote me, huh?

JD: Maybe, I don't know. Maybe yeah.

CR: Good thing I caught it. You see what I mean now.

JD: Yeah. It's really clear to me now.

CR: Ok. Next question.

JD: Well, you really haven't explained what came out of your epiphany.

CR: Oh, yeah. Well, when I had it, I knew I had to come up with something that says to everyone--I mean everyone--just who the fuck Creme Rinze is, and what he is.

JD: And you feel you accomplished that?

CR: I did.

JD: Ok. And what is it?

CR: It's what you said... "Hot new director with a new kind of vision."

JD: Oh. Right. Well, maybe you could explain your new kind of vision.

CR: It's pretty complicated.

JD: I've got time.

CR: Ok. See, it's like this. All these other directors. They think they got it, you know? They think they're in touch with the shit, man. But they're not... not really. Sure, they might have some kind of vision, but it's not a new vision. It's not a new kind of vision. You savvy this, man?

JD: I'm trying to.

CR: So their vision is old. It's yesterday, history, passe... It's maybe MTV circa 1985. But now here comes Creme Rinze, me, with a new kind of vision, a new look at the shit, a way to revolutionize this whole fucking industry, and it's right here, man, it's right here in my head and I can see it like it just came back from the one-hour photo.

JD: Like... a 4x5 glossy?

CR: Better than that, dude. Like in technicolor. Digital fucking resolution, hommes. I'm so onto it, it almost scares me.

JD: Well, can you explain what it is?

CR: No.

JD: No?

CR: No.

JD: Why? I thought you can see it clearly.

CR: I can. But then, if I tell you, everyone else will see it clearly too. Then what happens? Everyone's ripping off my vision! This is the jiz biz, JimmyD. There's some people here that make their livings off of ripping people off.

JD: I'm well aware of that.

CR: Then you should know where I'm coming from. You shouldn't ask me to explain my vision! You might as well let fucking tomb raiders into my brain with a pick axe and shovel.

JD: It's an interview. My readers want to know what you're about.

CR: Some of your readers might be the very same people who would rip off my vision.

JD: Very possible.

CR: Than you see why I can't tell you.

JD: I do.

CR: Cool. Next question.

JD: Creme. To be honest, I've had a hard time finding out much about what you've done. How do you explain that?

CR: Well, most of my work falls into the category of being a sleeper.

JD: A sleeper? You mean like a slow-building unexpected hit?

CR: Sort of. But you know like when you sleep and then you dream?

JD: Yeah.

CR: And you know how sometimes you know you had this really cool dream while you were sleeping but when you wake up you just can't remember it?

JD: Sure. That happens all the time.

CR: Then you should get it. My stuff is just like that.

JD: Wait. You mean people watch your stuff, and it's really cool, I mean they know it was really cool, but then they can't remember it? All they can remember was that it was cool?

CR: Precisely.

JD: That's crazy.

CR: Why's that?

JD: People don't watch movies and then forget what they saw like they do with dreams!

CR: How do you know?

JD: I just know.

CR: Yeah but how? I mean if you don't remember, how do you know you don't remember?

JD: I'm sorry, Creme, but I don't understand.

CR: Oh. So you're about to misquote me.

JD: What?

CR: You're about to misquote me. We talked about this earlier.

JD: I think we should wrap this up.

CR: Sure. It's your gig, man.

JD: Any parting remarks?

CR: Well, I just hope people keep watching my shit.

JD: Whether they remember it or not?

CR: It's the same to me.

JD: Thanks for your time.

CR: No problem.





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