Here's ten ways to know if you're a typical, porn gonzo moviemaker. You believe that:


1. The full auto mode of any miniDV camera is the preferable way to shoot.

2. Any lamp or lighting fixture, minimally equipped with a 75W bulb on board, and purchased at K- Mart or Home Depot--especially from the Home Decor departments--is a suitable motion picture lighting instrument to be used in any color temperature environment.

3. The microphone on every miniDV camera is a high-tech piece of audio equipment capable of faithfully reproducing clear, high-fidelity sound, especially when the audio gain settings remain at the factory pre-sets.

4. When shooting exteriors, blocking the talent so they are always facing directly into the sun insures good exposure. Squinting eyes also add a nice Asian flavor to the production.

5. Scenes should always begin by having the talent introduce themselves by their stage names, and then having them explain how much they love having giant cocks shoved up their asses... then proceed to have giant cocks shoved up their asses.

6. The best editing is always at the cheapest rate.

7. Having crew and others seen walking through the background of the scene adds realism to your movie.

8. As a true gonzo director, you never shut your fucking mouth while the camera is recording.

9. Composition is something you might have learned had you taken English 101 in junior college, and while taking such a course, you might have stumbled across the phrase "photo composition" in some dictionary or other reference book, and had you done so, you might know something about what the term refers to.

10. To help the editor, it is always best to allow the camera to continue rolling through all breaks in the action, and it is always best to shoot at least one-and-a-half to two hours of footage for scenes that will be cut to about 18 minutes.

I know I said there'd only be ten ways, but I'm adding a bonus that I thought of while writing #10.

11. Even after shooting about two hours of footage for a scene wherein you allow the girl to be fucked in the ass till she bleeds, you still only manage to have about 7 minutes of useable footage to be used for a scene that needs to be about 18 minutes long, and if there's to be a 'soft' version, you only have enough footage for a 3- minute scene that needs to about 15 minutes long.

Shit! Now I've come up with #12! And this one might even be the most important.

12. The term 'production value' refers to anything that allows you to steal more money out of the budget for yourself.

OK, there you go. I'm sure I could think of more, but I need to get back to work wading through the eleven hours of footage some true, porn, gonzo moviemakers shot for me to cut into an 85 minute gonzo masterpiece that AVN will probably review as a wall-to-wall.

later.



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