A PROBABLY BORING ESSAY ON PORNOGRAPHIC SELF-ESTEEM & MEDIOCRE SKIN FLICKS :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "I been doing this--this shooting sex thing--for a long time. Maybe not as long as some of you, but certainly longer than a lot of you. I'll admit some of what I've done sucks. And I'll risk bragging that some of what I've done, I think, is pretty decent. Some of it has even won awards, if that actually matters. In fact, I'm not sure it matters at all, at least it doesn't seem to matter to the people I've made this award-winning product for.

If there's one thing I've noticed in all the years I've been doing this it's this: Don't ever expect a pat on the fucking back. I have never-ever heard the words "Great job!," afer turning something in. At least that's been my experience. I'm not sure why this has been the case. Maybe it's me. Maybe this doesn't happen to other directors. But in all the time I've been doing this, through all the flicks I've directed, I have never, and I stress never, received any sort of acknowledgement from a company owner that what I created for them was any good. It doesn't matter what the sales figures were, it doesn't matter if it got really kick-ass reviews, it doesn't matter if the flick got nominated, or won a bunch of, awards. An "Attaboy," or a pat on the back just wasn't in the cards. Maybe some of you have experienced something different. I haven't worked for everyone, but this has sure been the case for me. I will admit, though, these guys pipe up when what you make for them isn't any good. But when something is good, maybe even great, forget about it--suddenly these guys are mutes. I guess they're afraid you'll ask for more money on the next project.

If any of you have ever studied psychology, you might know something about Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs' theory. In a nutshell, Maslow says that until certain basic levels of needs are satisfied, nothing else matters. For instance, if you're starving, the need for nourishment is the primary, and probably only, need that will drive you. But once that need is satisfied, we move up the hierarchy and look to have some other needs fullfilled. I'm not going to write a treatise on Maslow here, but I will mention that at the top of this needs-list is something called 'self-actualization.' Self-actualization means that all your lesser needs are basically satisfied and now the primary need you go chasing after is being all you can be, being the best, going for the gold, reaching the top.

But see, right under that need is this pesky other need called 'self-esteem.' Self-esteem is a pretty complicated thing. You get it from yourself and you get it from others--mostly you get it from others, or don't get it because of others. And if no one's giving you, or has given you, what you need to feel self-esteem about yourself, odds are you're most likely never going to strive to be all you can be.

It's one of those things.

So how does one get self-esteem? Of course by thinking you're a worthy person, a good person, creative maybe, adaptive, inventive, caring, all of the Boy Scout Oath stuff and more. But mostly we get our sense of self-esteem from others. That is, through the manner in which others treat us, how they speak of us and what they say, and how they acknowledge us--you get the picture, right? Do others treat us with respect? Do they recognize our accomplishments? Do they... Wait a freakin' minute! what was that? Do they recognize our accomplishments? You mean if we don't get some recognition, make that some specific, positive, recognition from people who matter, we might have some problems with our sense of self-esteem, at least in terms of how it effects that particular thing in our life, and then maybe we'll never venture forward to be the best?

Holy shit! I knew there was a reason why many porners are satisfied just doing a mediocre, half-ass job, even when they're capable of so much more. I knew there was a reason why we hear the words, "Oh, it's only porno," so often. We don't give a shit because the people we do this for tend to act like they don't give a shit. Well, they give a shit if it really sucks, but through words and actions, or should I say through the lack of certain words and actions, they tell us they don't give a shit when the shit we do is really good. They might not intend to do this, but it's what they do all the same.

And what are they doing when they neglect to boost our sense of self-esteem when we've really tried--and succeeded--at doing a great job? When the job we did turned out to be a big success for the person we did the job for? Or maybe it won a bunch of awards or got great reviews? What are they doing to us? What they're doing is almost guaranteeing that in the future, all they're most-likely going to get is just good enough. Because it ain't just about the money, honey. Sure, that's important, but it ain't the whole enchilada. And until the whole enchilada is on the plate for us to eat, all we're ultimately left with is a half-empty stomach and a sense that this simply isn't enough.

I thought these--these big company owners I mean--were all supposed to be such smart, good businessmen? Maybe not, huh? Well, at least they now know why so much of their shit is simply ok. Nothing great, just simply mediocre. Because that's what they're motivating us to produce--stuff that's simply just ok. Why? Because they haven't helped developed in us a need, a desire, a commitment to produce anything more.

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WARNING · Extreme Adult Content Discretion Advised