NEW JENNA JAMESON MOVIE CAMERA MASTERS STOLEN AT GUNPOINT! :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "What you are about to read is true. In some cases, the names have been changed or omitted to protect my future job security, or for other reasons I don't care to explain. I apologize to anyone who experienced a sleepless night anticipating the story that accompanies yesterday's startling headline. (If you need to wank-it-to-Jenna before reading on, go HERE first, but come back when your done. And don't forget to clean up!)

Okay. There's this guy. We'll call him Joe. He lives in Florida. He's young, intelligent, seems like he's got a few bucks, and he's a fucking scam artist. Like many people, he had read all the bullshit articles in various newspapers and other rags that claimed the adult industry is $8 billion strong! Of course, all of us know this is bullshit. If it were true we'd see daily evidence of some real affluence in the jiz biz. But with the exception of maybe 2 or 3 guys, I don't see any Rockefeller-type money being made here, and I'm not even sure Larry Flynt's taking down the kind of green everyone thinks he is. Although, I wouldn't mind having a small piece of Larry's green, but that's another story.

So Joe figures there's a couple of bucks to be made here, even for a guy who knows no one in the biz, knows nothing about the biz, and has never had contact with the biz. But the one thing Joe knows how to do is raise money--investment money--and with a business that's all about sex, it looks like a perfect place to attract some dumb fucks with fat wallets.

At some point Joe hooks up with Greg and Tina Cherry, stalwart members of the porn talent pool, mail order company owners, two people always on the lookout to make a buck. From Tina and Greg, Joe gleans a lot of information. He tells them he has these investors who want to put some money in the porn biz. But he needs to put together a prospectus, a gameplan, to show them. Greg and Tina gladly help Joe out because, well, because there's something in it for them. Soon, Joe puts together--on paper-- what looks like a sure-fire project.

Joe knows you have to spend some to make some. So he has his prospectus finely printed and bound. And the information inside looks professional and legitimate. Here, in a nutshell is what Joe promised his investors:

Each movie would be budgeted at around $40K. Only major adult super-stars would be utilized in the productions. Greg and Tina Cherry, well-known players in the porn biz, would serve as Executive Producers. Rob Spallone would line produce the movies. James DiGiorgio, award winning director, would helm the projects. Avalon Entertainment had agreed to distribute the product--video and DVD-- domestically. TEN (The Erotic Network) had agreed to purchase the pay-per-view rights at $25,000 per movie. Foreign sales were also in place, as were other cable outlets. Full page resumes/bios were included for all the names and companies. In all, each movie would return a minimum of two-and-half times its investment in less than a year. Nice fucking deal, huh? Two hundred and fifty per cent return on your dough in twelve months. Let's see a Wells Fargo account match that!

So Joe set about to raise his money. Oh yeah, did I mention that Joe also included in his prospectus a 30% administrative fee? In other words, Joe gets to skim 30% off any monies he raises the moment it's in his hands. How did Joe raise the money? Have you ever seen those TV commercials that want to teach you how to place small, little classified ads in newspapers and magazines all over the country? Fuck yeah! That's how he did it! Just like that little twerpy guy in the commercials.

So anyway, to shorten this story up a bit (yeah, yeah, we're getting to the Jenna Jameson part), Joe manages to raise about $300,000. How do I know this? Because one day Gigi Appleton of Avalon Enterprises gets a phone call from this guy in Michigan or somewhere who tells her about this prospectus he received that names her company as the distributor of the product the investment will produce. Gigi, of course, has no clue what the man is talking about. He offers to send her his copy of the finely printed and bound prospectus.

When the prospectus arrives, Gigi sees that not only is she supposedly a part of the project, but so is Rob Spallone, Jim DiGiorgio, TEN, and others. She calls Rob and asks if he knows anything. Rob is also clueless. Rob borrows the prospectus from Gigi and takes it to the owner of one of porn's biggest companies. This owner looks at it and is impressed. He says that he's seen scams like this before, but this is one of the best he's seen. Phone calls to Greg and Tina Cherry yield little other than they had met up with this Joe guy, talked about putting some projects together that might....MIGHT...include the likes of Spallone, DiGiorgio, Avalon, TEN, etc., but nothing ever came of it. But one thing Greg and Tina did have, was a phone number.

Rob calls this Joe. Surprisingly, Joe gets on the phone. He admits the propspectus is his, he admits perhaps being a bit over-zealous in using certain people's names without consent. But he also admits to having already raised a little over $300, 000.

Now, Rob's on the phone with the guy--actually, we have him on speaker. I'm sitting there and Rob and I are now grinning at each other.

"Listen, Joe," Rob says in his friendliest voice, "You have the money, so you have to make the movies right?"

Of course, Rob and I are thinking maybe there's a way we can get our hands on some of the dough, make the movies, and everyone profits! Well, except for the investors, but that's Joe's problem, not ours. Anyway, the guy Joe says that would be great except he's spent most of the money. First he took his 30% administrative fee, then he took the rest, although he claimed he was using the rest to raise more, and if he raises more then we can actually make the movies for the first bunch of investors.

Yeah....right....ok.

Now we don't hear from this Joe for about six months. Fortunately, we don't hear from any of his marks, or any law enforcement people. But then yesterday Rob gets a phone call from this guy who claims he lost a shit-load of money with this Joe. The guy's on the phone demanding....DEMANDING...that Rob tell him what really happened to the Jenna Jameson movie.

"What Jenna Jameson movie?" Rob asks.

The guy is seething, "The fucking Jenna Jameson movie that you produced and this James DiGiorgio directed and that was made with my money and had Jenna Jameson in it!"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Rob spat back at him.

"Listen," the guy says, "I know what you're doing. You're fucking me out of my money. I don't believe the story you told Joe about the camera masters for a fucking second!"

"What story?" Rob asks growing more impatient.

"I don't believe these guys came to your house and stole those camera masters at gunpoint. You're ripping off the movie! It's all bullshit!"

"Who told you this?" Rob asks.

"Joe did. Don't fuck with me. I cornered Joe on what happened to my money and my movie and he told me you said these guys stole the Jenna Jameson movie!"

"How'd you get my number?" Rob want to know.

"Joe gave it to me."

"Well don't ever call me again you stupid motherfucker!" and with that, Rob slams the phone down.

Okay, so what happens next we don't know. We half expect to hear from the Feds or Postal guys or someone. If so, I'll let you know. But in the meantime, if Jenna's reading this, Hey Jenna! JimmyD here! Remember we talked about me directing you in a movie? We talked about it on the Luke Ford Radio Show, remember? Well, just so you know...I'm still interested!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE READER-SUBMITTED, THOMAS ZUPKO COMIC CAPTION CONTEST CAPTIONS!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm working on this major, late-breaking story as I write this--verifying things so I'm not accused of being like every other porn journalist. This story will reveal a major scam, involving interstate mail order fraud, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and some well-known figures in the adult entertainment community. Click back later for more cuz simplyjimmyd.com AND ONLY simplyjimmyd.com has the fucking scoop!

* * * * * * * * * * * NEWSFLASH * * * * * * * * * *

I'm still working on the (above) story, but I thought everyone would like this update. Someone's sending jimmyD death threats! That's right. I keep getting a numeric page with the number 187 over and over. Any self-respecting g-banger knows that 187 is the number in the California Penal Code for homicide. And if you send 187's to someone, it means you're going to off them. So whoever you are, i got two words for you: GO FUCK YOURSELF! Okay, maybe that's three words but you get the point, capeesh? Who you think your talking to? the LukeFord.com people? Fuck you. But listen, if you are on the level, and you do clip me, let everyone know that I want Wanker Wang to come to my funeral and do an on-the-set piece. But he's got to post it everywhere, not just on LF.com cuz shit, I get the same traffic they do.

"


	Search


WARNING · Extreme Adult Content Discretion Advised