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_POSTEDON 2002-11-11 15:08:38 by jimmyd

FYI jimmyd _writes "Porn's own cyberstalker and current FBI favorite, Bryan Sullivan, sent me this email. I'm sure it went out to others:

"Simply put, here's a list of names that, if I get convicted, are going down with me: Sunrise Adams, Mike Albo, Angel, Julia Ann, August, Cassidey?, Christopher Alexander, Brandy Alexandre, Rob Black, Al Borda, Lizzy Borden, Martin Brimmer, Seymore Butts, Tom Byron, Veronica Caine, Paul Cambria, Asia Carerra, Charlie, Charlie of Digital Playground, David Christopher, Taylor St. Claire, Ryan Conner, Cali Cox, Dave Cummings, Jimmy D, Marck Davis, Dee, Nikita Denise, Jewel De'Nyle, Tricia Deveraux, Devon, John Dough, Paul Fishbein, Larry Flynt, Gauge, Aria Giovanni, Bob Guccione, Max Hardcore, Jenna Haze, Steve Hirsch, Brooke Hunter, Tod Hunter, Jessie J, Jenna Jameson, Jules Jordan, Nakita Kash, Kaylynn, Jill Kelly, Bridgette and Skeeter Kerkove, Mark Kernes, Star E. Knight, Miko Lee, Adella O'Neil, Steve Orenstein, Andre Madness, Christian S. Mann, Mr. Marcus, Ann Marie, Monica Mayhem, Amber Michaels, Lori Michaels, Bridgette the Midget, Mellisa Milano, Sharon Mitchell, Peter North,"

First off, Bryan, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do, however, have a few questions for you.

When you say, "Simply put, here's a list of names that, if I get convicted, are going down with me," do you mean you will insure we are all convicted of some crime and spend significant jail time as you probably will? You see, simply put, what you wrote wasn't really "simply put."

Perhaps your threat is more serious, e.g., do you plan to murder the people on your list? You see what I'm getting at here, Bry? The whole letter's a bit vague. When you're trying to get a point across, a good rule to follow is this:

1. Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em;

2, Tell 'em;

3. Tell 'em what you told 'em.

You stick with that advice, pal, and everyone will be tuned into to what you're trying to say, ya know what I'm trying to say?

In a nutshell, Bryan, you need to be way more specific. If you plan on becoming porn's first serial murderer, or even just remaining porn's favorite internet terrorist--targeting everyone on your list--you should just say so, and say so in no uncertain terms.

Bryan, if I might be so bold to give you a little suggestion, why don't you try an opening line like this: "Simply put, here's a list of names that, if I get convicted, I plan on murdering. " Dude, you see how much more specific that is? It's direct, to the point, and leaves very little open for interpretation--maybe just the manner in which you plan on killing everyone is a little confusing, but that's about it.

Now let's say you don't plan on actually killing the people on the list, but you do plan on committing some sort of "ultra-violence" against them (That's a little "A Clockwork Orange" term, I thought you might be a fan of that flick). But anyway, dude, if this is your plan, you should try something like this: "Simply put, here's a list of names that, if I get convicted, I plan on raping and sodomizing, and then carving them open and ripping out their intestines--and then calling 9-1-1 to insure they don't actually die before medical help arrives so I end up only facing felony rape and aggravated assault charges, or possibly rape and attempted murder."

How's that for being specific, Bry? No on'e gonna have any questions about your intent after sending a statement like that. Well, maybe the FBI will, but you know them, they're always a little bit confused when they're investigating stuff.

Of course, there's always the possibility that you mean no actual harm to anyone and you just want to intimidate or possibly scare some folks. In this case, I think you should've written something like this: "Simply put, here's a list of names that, if I get convicted, I plan on continuing to harrass and terrorize so that I can add at least another twenty years to my sentence to a Federal Penitentiary."

Apparently, Bryan, your not thinking this stuff through. I hope I've been helpful. By the way, why isn't Gene Ross, Luke Ford, or any of the other porn muckrakers on your list? How come just me? Dude, I'm the nicest guy of any of them!

Ok. Talk to ya later, babe....

It is 'babe' isn't it?

You're Truly,

P.S. I saw that Bridgett the Midget is on your list, Bryan. Ya know, bro, it ain't nice to pick on little people... it's really not nice.

P.P.S. No offence, dude, but you spell your first name like a girl. Men usually spell it "Brian," in case you didn't know.

A.P.P.S. Just so you know, Bry, I'm usually armed and dangerous, I have a pit bull. I'm a Black Belt in numerous marital arts... and in martial arts as well. I always wear a Kevlar vest. I have bodyguards who are with me always and my vehicles are all bullet-proofed. Someone always tastes my food for poisons before I eat. And most importantly, JimmyD is not my real name, in fact, I'm not even a real person. "Simply put," as you so eloquently wrote, I'm nothing but a piece of automated software designed to write this website and pretend to be a porn director. All images that supposedly are of me, are actually of another person. In fact, that person lived in the 19th Century, and through the miracle of modern software like Adobe Photoshop, is made to look like a 21st Century Schizoid Man--which is basically the 'look' I go with. (And can you name the group who wrote that song?}

Jimmyd out.


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