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Part PR chic's feverish scrawlings, part Quasarman proxy site, part under the oppressive yoke of a porn mob.

_POSTEDON 2002-11-18 18:46:41 by jimmyd

Tales of Pornography jimmyd _writes "

I bumped into Kick Ass Pictures' contract girl, Kelly Kickass, today. Kelly was nice enough to spend a little time with me and answer a few questions.

jd: Wow! You're a lot shorter than you look in your pictures.

kk: I'm only around two feet tall. I'm just a little spinner!

jd: Bridget the Midget must tower over you.

kk: Yeah. She says she feels like she's walking tall whenever we hang out.

jd: And you're completely inflatable?

kk: No. A lot of people make that mistake. I'm filled with a special foam. I do have inflatable cavities though. Want to see?

jd: Maybe a little later in the interview... when we get to know each other a bit better.

kk: Some people also think I'm made of rubber but I'm not. Whew! Pee-Uuu! Rubber stinks! I'm a product of modern plastics technology and as such, I'm smooth to the touch, and nearly odorless.

jd: No douching for Kelly Kickass?

kk: Not unless I've been used-and-spooged and left out in the hot sun without a good Armor-All cleaning.

jd: I see. Are you dishwasher safe?

kk: I'm tested and completely safe in many ways. Would you like to see my UL (Underwriters Lab) sticker? It's right here on my ass.

jd: Thanks. I'll take your word for it. Now Kelly, I read your Cindi Loftus interview and I felt you were asked a lot of pretty tame questions. If you don't mind, Kelly, I'd like to ask a few questions of a more personal nature.

kk: Sure, I guess, I mean why not? Go ahead.

jd: Have you ever had to suck a certain hot dog munching producer's dick to get or keep your contract at Kick Ass?

kk: Wow! You sure go for the dirt right away.

jd: That's my job.

kk: Well, I'm not sure I should answer that.

jd: Because it might put your contract in jeopardy?

kk: No. Because I honestly don't remember.

jd: You don't remember whether you sucked your boss's dick to get your contract?

kk: How's a girl supposed to remember every dick that's passed between her lips? Plus, I'm kind of an air head.

jd: You mean foam head.

kk: Yeah, that too.

jd: Well, have you ever sucked dick for any kind of work?

kk: Oh sure. Many times. I've sucked dick for all kinds of jobs. I've even sucked dick to get out of a job.

jd: Can you explain that one?

kk: Sure. I was supposed to do this internet shoot where they were going to fill my empty body cavities with helium. I was supposed to do some airborn blowjobs. Well, I'm kind of afraid of heights and even though they positively assured me my tether line would be well secured, I was deathly afraid of floating away. The guy with the helium tank whispered to me that he would switch tanks and fill me with something else if I'd take care of him so I did.

jd: You sucked the helium tank guy's dick?

kk: Yeah. In his clown costume. He usually works kids parties, so this was kind of different for him... at least I hope it was.

jd: I'm not going to touch that one. So Kelly, what did he fill you with?

kk: I'm not sure, but I was laughing for weeks.

jd: And the producers didn't suspect something was wrong when you failed to float?

kk: Oh sure. But I told them it was my time of month and I must be too bloated to float. They accepted that. I don't think they were very smart guys. You know, they were like, internet geeks.

jd: Who is your favorite guy to work with.

kk: Oh that's easy-- Nick Manning. He goes crazy when he works with me.

jd: Why do you suppose that is?

kk: I think it's because my eyes are made of glass. And there's this dark stuff behind them so they're very reflective. Nick says he can see himself plain as day in the mirror of my eyes better than with any other girl and that makes him very, very hard.

jd: Do you ever worry about being accidentally punctured on a set?

kk: Oh my God! All the time! I don't let anyone I'm working with wear any sort of sharp objects. I won't even let girls around me wear spiked heels. Can you imagine how embarassing it would be if I was doing a scene where they inflated my body cavities and I was suddenly punctured! I'd be leaking foam everywhere as I flew around the room like a popped balloon? I'd be mortified!

jd: You're quite a doll--very beautiful. Who do you owe your beauty to?

kk: Leo Bakeland.

jd: Leo Bakeland?

kk: Oh my God! You're so funny. You know who Leo Bakeland was.

jd: Uhmm, sure. But it kind of slips my mind right now.

kk: Silly guy-- Leo Bakeland was the Belgian-born chemist-entrepreneur who is credited with inventing the first truly synthetic plastic. Boy, Who's the dummy here?

jd: I guess I am.

kk: That's ok, I like dummies. That's why I do these interviews with guys like you and Wanker Wang.

jd: And Cindi Loftus?

kk: Oh yeah. Her too.

jd: Thanks... I think.

kk: Would you like me to suck your dick?

jd: What?

kk: I'm very good. My boss shows me how to do it really good while he's munching on all those hot dogs. You should see him! He can deep throat a twelve inch Dodger Dog!

jd: He's a talented guy. So Kelly, you want to do it right now? You know, suck my dick?

kk: Sure. It's part of my contract. I suck anyone's dick if it's in the interest of Kick Ass Pictures. Isn't that what all contract girls do?

jd: I don't know. I've never had my dick sucked by a... a...

kk: By a foam-filled love doll?

jd: By a contract girl.

kk: Really? I thought all porn directors get their dicks sucked by girls in the business all the time.

jd: Well, sure. Of course. All the time, you know. That's, uhhh, part of the job. Blow job's just like a handshake to us.

kk: I think you're hesitating because I'm made of vinyl and filled with foam.

jd: No, not at all. Hey, good enough for Leo Bakeland, good enough for me. That's what I always say.

kk: It's ok. I accept what I am and I'm happy with who I am. So do you?

jd: Do I what?

kk: You know, do you want me to suck your dick? You'll be able to watch yourself in my eyes just like Nick Manning does.

jd: That's ok. Some things are better left unseen and left to the imagination. At least in my case that's true. Besides, I'm not sure it's right. I'm a professional journalist. I have certain ethical standards that must be maintained.

kk: I'll stick my head in a microwave oven for thirty seconds and warm my lips up.

jd: You certainly make it hard to decline.

kk: I'm really good at deep throating.

jd: Well, in my case, that won't be too difficult.

kk: I swallow.

jd: Yeah, but who has to clean your oral orifice cavity out after I'm done? Me, right?

kk: I'll massage your balls while I do it.

jd: Will you lick them too?

kk: Anything you want, big boy.

jd: I guess in that case...

kk: But you will post a really positive interview on your website, right?

jd: A hah! You think you can buy me with a blowjob!

kk: It works with almost everyone else in this business.

jd: True.

kk: Should I begin?

jd: Let me turn the tape recorder off.

kk: Well hurry up, I'm so horny for you, Jimmy. You're giving me plastic goose bumps.

jd: This is jimmyD signing off until... (CLICK)


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