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What Are Mike Quasar's Chances of Winning Best Director?

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_POSTEDON 2002-11-26 18:38:48 by jimmyd

Tales of Pornography jimmyd _writes "

Not since WW2's 'Battle of the Bulge' General Tony McAuliffe, Division Commander of those heroic American forces who later became known as 'The Battered Bastards of Bastogne' responded to the German surrender ultimatum with one word, "nuts," has the word "nuts" received so much press. The overwhelming interest in nuts, balls, testicles, 'nads, and nutsacks has caused me to consider opening a new website dedicated to everyman's most precious jewels. Scrotum.com? Gonads.com? How about I personalize it with simplyjimmyd'sballs.com? After all, it was MY concern for MY nuts that started this whole thing.

Let me share with you some of the most recent testical-driven email I've received.

This one from Cali Ruchala, of Diacritica.com, who is a real-life, serious journalist who hangs out with other journalists who've won Pulitzer Prizes and stuff like that:


One of the first "over the transom" submissions we ever received was a piece of fiction. I knew something was amiss when I opened up my mailbox and this crud-covered manila envelope literally squirmed out of its' own volition. Inside were about fifty pages of handwritten prose, which concerned the ups and downs of a sociopath (I can only assume it was autobiographical) convinced there's a salamander living in his testicles, and compulsively masturbates in order to "feed" it.

Scores of Catholic priests succeeded in exorcising that image from my mind, until I read Jay's explanation of "testicles seeking warmth" and "cooling off," as if they had a mind of their own. I envision a book coming out of this. "The Secret Life of Testicles"? "Call Me Lefty"? "Dr. Strangle Glove, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Fondle My Balls"?

I don't know about you, but I'm looking into buying some S&M gear for myself. The thought that my testicles are jumping up and down and having conversations (otherwise, how would they both know to rise or fall at the same time? What if one was cold and the other wasn't?) while I'm fast asleep is probably going to keep me up at night. I didn't need to know this. --Cali

Cali, if you ever have an opportunity to spend some serious, quality time in the jiz biz, you'll find you'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about things--make that anatomical things. It's sometimes fodder for wet dreams, but unforutnately, it's sometimes the stuff of nightmares. Either way, guaranteed to keep you awake at night.

Not to be outdone by a respected journalist, a well-known poet has stepped into the testicular fray.

Alexander the Poet writes in with this touching poem:


I felt like submitting this poem I wrote a while back about my balls, after I read your heated threads about your own balls. Enjoy!

"My Balls" by Alexander The Poet

Underneath my dick
There lies a pair of balls
They're small, round, and thick
They can break many walls

They tend to hang low
And they are quite hairy
But when I get blown
The girls, they stop caring

When my balls get blue
It just totally sucks
Need someone to screw
They need someone to fuck

To the girls out there
Its really not my fault
If you seem to stare
If you stare, at my balls!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

P.S. Wankus of The Wanker Show on KSEXradio.com referred me to your site.
Blame him. LOL

Alexander The Poet
X Rated Poet/Comedian
Official Website: alexanderthepoet.com
To listen to Alexander's poems, Click Here

Thanks for writing in Alexander. You're a truly gifted poet. I trust you have a day job as well?

And last (at least for now), but not least, a bit of homespun advice from Lee Eakin, of San Jose, California:

Hi Jimmy!

It's an age thing man!

In my late fortys my nuts were hangin too. The weight caused a low grade discomfort, not pain, but not right! It may be because your not unloading your balls as much as in the past. If so, when you get that "hangin feeling" take a moment to blow off a good load. You might find as I did that this really helps.

Lee Eakin
San Jose

Thanks Lee. Taking "a moment to blow off a good load," is always good, sound advice, regardless of what's going on with your balls.

That's it for now. I was seriously considering writing something about hemorrhoids, but this "ball" thread has convinced me otherwise.


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