SOMETHING NEW TO WORRY ABOUT! :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "Hardly a day goes by when I'm not worrying myself sick about possibly being sick. I'm not talking low-hanging nutsacks here, although that's a good example. And I don't mean sick in the 'he's a sick fuck' kind of way. I am a 'sick fuck,' and in fact I get paid to be a 'sick fuck.' I mean 'sick' as in something physically wrong with me that could cause my unfortunate demise.

I'm not exactly ready to label myself a hypochondriac, but I know I'm susceptible to stuff I read and hear about, and I always have been this way. By 'susceptible' I mean I can easily convince myself I have the symptoms of rare or common diseases and/or conditions that I almost always end up proving I don't actually have. Maybe some of you are the same way?

Here's something I just read, and I'm really getting concerned because I think I have a lot of shit going on in my head that might--just might--indicate the melon that sits upon my shoulders is about to explode...for real!

From the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS--

MOSCOW -- Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle of a championship game!

No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.

"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like a firecracker."

Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through the brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way it could be said they were literally too smart for their own good."

Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have it will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research money becomes available."

In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.

Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you have the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it.

A "yes" answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have HCE:

Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.)

Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)

Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head? (This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cortex.)

Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.)

When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples? (Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head pressure in times of strong emotion.)

Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets? (A craving for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.)

Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)

Well, there you have it. Anyone else out there have at least three of these symptoms? I've got six of them! Six! The only symptom I said "no" to was the one about doing thoughtful stuff like balancing my checkbook or reading. But if he had added something about being on a computer, I would have had all seven and my head probably would have exploded instantaneously!

And did you notice how the article wasn't real big on offering ideas to ward off an exploding cranium (other than suggesting you don't think too hard). And of course, what does this have me doing? Yep, you're right-- it has me thinking really freaking hard that there's not much you can do about it. This really sucks because I'm trying my best not to think too hard about anything whatsoever because of the possibility of having HCE, and now just the knowledge of HCE has me thinking way too fucking hard!

Well, I guess if your head's going to go off like a fifty pound cherry bomb, that's what it's going to do!

Like I said, something new to worry about.

"


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