THE PORNOGRAPHERS ARE COMING! THE PORNOGRAPHERS ARE COMING! :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "What can I say about the AVN Awards Show that all the other porn scribes haven't already said, or will say? Probably plenty!

But before I say it, let me say this--I love this shit in spite of what some of my friends think, or how I seem to sometimes behave towards it. I'm going to say some things that might sound like I'm down on the awards, or maybe the business in general, but I'm not. I find it all very fucking amusing in the extreme. This is the business I chose. This is what I do. Maybe I'm a sick fucking puppy, but this shit gets me off in peculiar ways. I don't think I would have ever laughed so hard or so often in the last almost ten years if I was in any other business than this one. And that's a good thing. Laughter is great medicine for whatever ails you. I was in the comedy business before this, and trust me, there's nothing funny about that vocation. I guess it's like I'm caught in the XXX comedy version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe," and that's just fine with me. But I'm also a realist. I know what I know. I have no problem separating reality from fantasy. I'm living 'la vida comedia,' and I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than shoot a camera and make movies. Maybe I'd like to make some different kinds of movies, but if this is the only kinds of movies fate will allow me to make, I'd rather be doing this than selling cars, or engineering circuit cards, or litigating civil matters.

First off, I should state my take on handing out trophies for human endeavors like sodomy and fellatio. It's fucking absurd. It's laugh-out-loud absurd. You see, in the grand scheme of things, these aren't award-worthy activities. You don't give a trophy out for talents like 'who can take a cock up their ass the best,' or 'who can suck dick better than anyone else.' Don't get me wrong, if I'm getting my dick sucked, having it sucked by the best is nothing to sneeze at. And I don't have a problem with the dicksucker receiving rewards for sucking cock better than the next cocksucker. But notice I said, "rewards," not "awards." But since we do give awards, it makes them the funniest fucking awards on the planet.

This year's AVN Awards Show started out like the others I've attended. First off, everyone gets to walk down this long corridor that's lined on each side with thousands of spectators. I'm choosing the word "spectators" over a word like "fans" because in my heart I know the vast majority of these onlookers are not fans, they are simply curious spectators or perverse voyeurs. When we, as an industry, strut our collective stuff down that hallway, it's like the circus just came to town. We are the jugglers, the sword-swallowers, the bearded ladies and the clowns. And the spectators are having a great time watching us--the freaks and the sideshow acts--as we stroll by.

Make no mistake about it, to them we are carnies, freaks, one big, fucking side-show act. We might just as well have disembarked from a giant fucking flying saucer that just landed outside the Venetian Hotel! For we are also space aliens--strange creatures from another world who strip and prod, and fondle, and poke, and penetrate every orifice for all the world to see, and for the maturbatory enjoyment of countless, nameless and faceless men and women privately self-abusing themselves while bathed in the flickering imagery of our debauchery. You see, we lick, and suck, and commit all sorts of both fair and foul deeds upon each other--and while it might not be much different from what the spectators may sometimes do, they do it in private. I don't personally engage in the fucking and sucking--at least not in front of the camera (and lately not too often anywhere else), I just record it. But in the eyes of the spectators, I'm one of them--make that one of us: I'm a freak and a carnie and a being from another planet, and it's funnier than hell.

As for the mainstream media who were in attendance to cover this event, they're only there to garner ratings for their stations. You see, for every one of those thousands of perverse voyeurs lining the hallway, there's another ten-thousand at home who couldn't be there, but are just as curious about the freaks and carnies and whacky extra-terrestrials who just landed in the spaceship outside the Venetian.

But that's ok! All my life I've been a societal outlaw. I've never run with the pack. Being a porn carnie is just an extension of what and how I've always been.

All in all, that walk down the Venetian corridor is an exhilarating experience. One doesn't need to be delusional to delude one's self into believing that we are--for a few, brief, shining moments-- legitimate celebrities, and to some degree the envy of all those who gawk at us--at least, for a hundred yards or so.

STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO-- INSIDE THE AWARDS SHOW

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