I wish I had this information before I went to Las Vegas and stained my soul and bloated my belly by over-indulging in number six on Dante's list of "Seven Deadly Sins." Of couse, I'm talking about gluttony.

Gluttony is pretty fucking easy to commit in Las Vegas. Everywhere you turn there's a buffet or a restaurant "Voted #1!" I have no idea who does the voting in Vegas as almost everything is "Voted #1!" I didn't see any polling booths anywhere.

Anyway, they practically throw the fucking food at you! I guess that's why Las Vegas is in Nevada, and not Ethiopa. (Sorry, that was a bad food joke in poor taste, no pun intended.)

But next time I go to Vegas, I'm ready to diet, because now I know how thanks to Digital Playground's mysterious owner/director, Joone, and Metro's chic publicist, Carly Milne (pronounced like "sheik," instead of like a baby chicken).

Shown top-left is the actual slab of prime rib leftover on Joone's plate. As you can see, Joone's "eat it from the inside out" technique is plainly visible. It kind of looks like a beef rendering of a map of the United States with large portions of Nevada, Utah, Arizona, and New Mexico gouged out of it. I'm not sure how to do this with things like fruit or boiled eggs, but a slab of meat really works well. Joone says his technique is quite simple: start eating from the inside and work your way out without ever reaching the outer limits of whatever it is you're eating. In addition to slabs of meat, Joone says his diet works great with foods like pancakes, fried eggs, and large oatmeal cookies.

The other diet I'd like to recommend is Carly Milne's "Lemon Wedge" diet (see photo). This one is simple. You go to a buffet and only eat lemon wedges. You'll never gain a pound or have bad breath, and your lips will always be ready, willing, able, and puckered for a big sloppy kiss.

By the way, Carly, love the Jar Jar Binks mask... it's so Mason.






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