THE PRIMETIME AFTERMATH-- HERE'S WHAT WE DO :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "A lot of people are suggesting changes to our industry as a result of ABC's airing of their "Shattered Lives" mock-u-mentary. Personally, I agree--some changes are in order, although I have yet to read one I agree with.

But rather than disagree with the porn-intelligensia, who are certainly all much smarter than I am, I think I'll just make some dumb-ass recommendations of my own.

Here goes:

1. Jim South is legally restrained from ever appearing on a broadcast television show, or speaking with a mainstream journalist, ever again; perhaps even by court order. Exceptions to this rule are that he can be a contestant on a day-time game show, or an idiot on a "Jackass" style show, or something like that. In other words, if a show or news article has to do with porn, it must be sans Jim South, and that also includes talk shows.

2. Bill Margold is legally restrained from ever appearing on a broadcast television show, or speaking with a mainstream journalist, ever again under the same conditions as Jim South.

3. All porn companies, producers, directors, et al, agree to never again allow a news camera crew on a set, or in a porn factory. From this day on, we treat our sets, our stages, our warehouses, and our offices, much the same way the U.S. government treats Roswell and Hanger 19, or whatever the fuck number that hanger is--you know the one, the one with the dead space aliens.

4. We all vow that the next time some girl in the business agrees to let a news camera crew follow her around, the mostly likely place they'll be following her is to the unemployment office.

5. All companies agree to contribute to a fund to set up an industry-wide, information clearing-house possibly called the "Office of Misinformation," or maybe the "Ministry of Porn Propaganda." This information clearing-house hires someone like Adella O'Neal, or Harry Weiss, to be the sole, official spokesperson for the whole industry. This person's primary mandate will be to misdirect, misinform, and mystify all persons from the outside inquiring about what's going on in the inside. Perhaps whatever monies you're currently contributing to the Free Speech Coalition could be re-directed to this effort. In fact, the office should work to create such a mystery about the jizz bizz that the only television programming about the adult industry will be shows similar to those searching for the lost continent of Atlantis, or investigating the Bermuda Triangle.

6. Websites like simplyjimmyd.com and lukeford.com agree to a 50/50 approach to their reporting, i.e., 50% of what's written is the truth, 50% is lies. This will keep the general public and any news or government agencies who read these sites completely confused as to what's really going on. In-the-know citizens of our business should have no problem figuring out what is the truth, and what is bullshit. In fact, maybe it should be 30/70, with 70% being bullshit.

7. AVN agrees to change absolutely nothing in their continuing coverage of the jizz bizz. This will continue their tradition of putting a big, dumb-fucking, smiley face on the business, and that's the way it should be.

8. Luke Ford, the guy, not the website, should be placed on Official Industry-Wide Porn Quarantine, even though there's really only one or two producers who allow him on to sets and takes him inside the business. Luke's on their side, not our's. By the way, if you didn't already know this, Ford's real name is Lukey Brasco--he's a journalist , and as such, he's not your friend (by his own admission).

9. Next year's Adult Entertainment Expo and AVN Awards Show is advertised just like in previous years. Except next year we secretly hold it in Reno at an undisclosed location. Everyone must show up in Vegas, go to the Venetian, where someone will give you a secret phone number. You call the number and are told the secret location of the Expo and Show. We probably should hire producers of raves to work out all the strategic details.

10. And finally, everyone working in the Jizz Bizz must sign a non-disclosure agreement which legally prevents them from telling anyone on the outside anything that actually takes place on the inside of our little "playpen of the damned."

Ok, I think that should pretty much take care of this little problem. Anyone else have any similar ideas?

"


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WARNING · Extreme Adult Content Discretion Advised