I CALLED -- HE ANSWERED -- BUCCOLINI'S BACK! :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "For any true, long-term Luke Ford fans or readers-- I'm talkin about when Luke Ford was Luke Ford and not some silly computer-geek wannabe pimp--this man needs no introduction. Alas, the world of porn journalism--pornalism I think I'll call if from now on--yes, the world of pornalism has been a barren place without the likes of this man. There may be those of you who do not remember him, or simply never knew of him, but let me assure you, there was a time....a greener, happier time in pornalism, when this man lightened our load and brought smiles to our weary faces. So without further bullshit or adoo, allow me to introduce the one, the only, the fucking man we've missed and wished he'd come back and suddenly here he is, RIGHT HERE ONLY ON SIMPLYJIMMYD.COM...

MR. FRED BUCCOLINI.....

Jimmy,

You're not going to believe this but it's absolutely true. The other night I was sleeping when I heard this strange humming sound. It was a familiar sound, something remeniscient from childhood. It sounded like: "NAAAW, NAAAW, NAAAW." What the fuck? I get up and check the smoke alarm, the alarm clock--zip. The sound...it's coming from...outside. Since I live on the edge of K-Town, I'm thinking maybe there is some celebration going on, some freakin' Korean Holiday and everybody is outside cooking dog and I'm hearing a death cry. Instead of "Woof" I'm hearing a dog version of "NO!" Anyway, I put on my pants and go out to the balcony and I am blinded by a bright red light. I look up and there is a fucking Goodyear Blimp that's flashing a message: WHERE THE FUCK IS FRED BUCCOLINI. Now, the first thing I think about is the missing lottery ticket, the one I misplaced in 1998. There was an unclaimed jackpot of $330 million. I'm thinking, "Hey, my train has arrived and now I have FU money." I was about to turn around and tear up my sofa when I noticed my neighbors Mr. Lee, Mr. Kim, and Mr. Park all point to the other side of the Blimp. They started screaming in broken English: "The Vietcong have arrived!" Now I'm thinking these guys have been eating too much Kimchi when I see the backside of the Blimp and in big white letters the logo: VCA. So it dawns on me that Jimmy D and Russ Hampshire are behind this and they sure as shit must be doing really well because to rent one of these beauties for an hour cost more than the budgets of Sopornos 1 and 2 put together. So here I am my friend at your beckon call.

JimmyD: So Fred, where have you been for three years?

Buccolini: I’ve been waiting patiently for all of those free VCA DVDs you promised me back during the Whitewater era.

JimmyD: Shit man, was that before the Twin Towers?

Buccolini: Umm...Yup.

JimmyD: Before anthrax.....It was a time when people were actually looking for white powder inside envelopes.

Buccolini: Hey...that’s funny. Where’d you steal that?

JimmyD: Robin Williams.

Buccolini: Doesn’t he work for JM Productions?

JimmyD: He did but was fired.

Buccolini: How come?

JimmyD: Funny story. He was at Frys Electronics in Burbank and he noticed that Vivid had quite a display in the DVD section. So, being the head sales guy for Jeff Steward he gets this wacky idea and tries to sell Kmart on putting the Gag Factor series on display in the Dental Hygiene Department. You know, buy some floss and watch Bridgette Kerkove spew. I guess it didn’t go over too well. Next thing you know, Kmart files for bankruptcy.

"


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WARNING · Extreme Adult Content Discretion Advised