I really need to get in shape. But there's some problems. Problem #1 is I'm lazy. Getting off my ass to do some exercise is something I can't seem to motivate myself to do. Problem #2 is I like to eat--and I like to eat all the wrong stuff: pasta, bread, junk food.

I lay awake at night telling myself--convincing myself--that the very next day I'll begin doing the things I need to do to get into shape, and then the next day comes and I flake.

I read there's a dominatrix in NYC who has a program called 'Slavercise' designed to whip lazy, hungry fucks like myself into shape. Her name is Mistress Victoria, and she says that whipping her clients into shape is a lot easier when you use a real riding crop and a few other terribly torturous fitness methods. Yeah, I guess so! And while I'm more of a dom sorta guy, maybe this is just the ticket for me. This kind of thing could put some real meaning into the phrase, "no pain, no gain."

Mistress Victoria makes her slaves do push-ups over a candle or practice yoga while bound and gagged, but she says "the best exercise for slaves is Fetch -- especially when they're on all fours."

Hmmmm. This could work.

Mistress Victoria also believes that people are more motivated to do exercises properly if they're spanked or forced to lick her feet. And although I don't think the mistress's feet could ever replace a Double-Double with fries from In-N-Out, I think she might be on to something here. I'm not saying I'm ready to jump on a plane and fly to New York, but maybe I could find a dominatrix here in L.A. who would be willing to take me on. It's not like there's a dominatrix shortage in L.A. Maybe AVN's Jay Moyes can hook me up? He's pretty skinny. Maybe he wasn't always that way? Maybe he had the fat beaten out of him?

Something to think about when I'm lying awake in bed tonight.



"