CONVERSATIONS WITH KID VEGAS :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "I'm sitting in my office by myself trying to jerk-off when my cell phone rings. I groan, let go of my prick, and answer. (Relax, not with the same hand I was wankin' with.) Anyway, it's Kid Vegas. My dick immediately shrinks. Not because it's Kid Vegas per se, but because Kid Vegas is a guy. It coulda been any guy. But for me to maintain an erection while talking on the phone with the Kid, or any other guy, would be fucking gay. So boom, my chubby's history, just like that.

I can tell right away that the Kid's pretty worked up...

And I can tell he's worked up for different reasons than I'm worked up. I mean, we're both trying to catch our breath, but the Kid's pissed. Really pissed! Me? I was spankin' it and, well, if the truth be known, I get a little out of breath when I get a little worked up these days; must be age or something.

I ask the Kid to give me the inside on what's going on with him and those guys at Extreme. He tells me they've threatened his life!

"Get the fuck outa here," I say.

Nope. The Kid insists he's got death threats. And he tells me they will be comprehensively detailed over at LUKEFORD.COM.

So I assure the Kid I'll tell whatever readers I have here at simplyjimmyD that they might not have at LF.com, (which is probably zilch...nada) that they oughta go over there and take a look.

But before you do, let me say this about that: I've known the Kid since almost Day One he's in the business. And sure, he's made some of the absolute worst movies in the Annals of Pornographic History. And sure there's been times when his P.R. people kinda stretched the truth about the Kid Vegas mystique. But between you and me, this Kid Vegas is no fucking liar. If the Kid says 'death threats,' take it to the bank, it's buckwheat! (And if ya don't know what that means, go rent "Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead.")

"How did all of this get so out of hand," I shrug, my hands lifting, palms up, imitating a grieving Don Corleone speaking to the men who tried to kill him, and then murdered Sonny.

The Kid has no idea. He reminds me that even though he was fired for something as benign as going to Mark Kulkis' birthday party at the bowling alley (who woulda thought Mark Kulkis was a bowler), he actually said nice things about his former employer after he was terminated.

But suddenly, the Kid tells me, they turned on him like a school of Piranha! I wondered aloud if maybe it was some over-zealous employees at Extreme, trying to impress the boss. Vegas dismisses this. Nobody sneezes, burps, pisses, farts, barfs or shits over there without the Don, I mean, Rob Black's OK.

"Get the fuck outa here," I say.

The Kid assures me it's true, everyone is under the rule of the Black hand, I mean Rob's thumb over there, Gene Ross included.

"Damn," I gasp, "Not Gino!" I'm devastated.

So the Kid goes on to tell me that he's talked with various law enforcment agencies regarding this whole thing. And they're telling him that this shit could qualify as 'terrorist threats."

"Marone!" I exclaim, ringing my hands, staying in touch with my Italian roots. "That's some heavy shit! Especially these days!"

The Kid agrees.

The Kid tells me the law is interested in many things about Extreme. That they had many questions about stuff unrelated to the beef between the Kid and Extreme. And according to the Kid, he is more than willing to help them in any way he can. In fact, the Kid tells me, he spent half the day FAXing papers to various law enforcement agencies.

"So what are you going to do now?" I ask.

There's a moment of silence. I can tell the Kid's anger is rising again. I here his teeth gnashing (is that a word? gnash?) And then, in slow, deliberate terms, leaving no room for confusion, the Kid outlines his response to the Extreme death threats:

Fuck them! They can all go fuck themselves beginning with that fat fuck, Rob Black!

Kid Vegas will continue to post everything and anything he can remember from his tenure at Extreme that might help to "...bring those fuckers down!"

Kid Vegas will not be intimidated!

Kid Vegas will not be backed down!

Kid Vegas is not afraid!

Kid Vegas is righteous in his indignation!

Kid Vegas holds the Staff of Truth in his hands and shall wield it against his enemies and they shall be vanquished and will grovel like spineless vermin at his feet!

Kid Vegas has a dream! And in that dream, the world of pornography is cleansed of the rotting, stinking, disease-infested, sack of self-serving, wannabe wise-guy, excrement that is Extreme!

And one more thing, the Kid tells me, regaining his composure, "Whatever happens. Whatever goes down. Kid Vegas will endure."

"


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WARNING · Extreme Adult Content Discretion Advised