I've said this before-- I don't get out much. But last night I did. Bravely, I left the safe, familiar, confines of my caves--my two caves being my office/editing room at Smash Pictures, and my messy, cluttered bedroom--and ventured forth into the night to appear on Digital Playground's "DP Tonight" web talk show.

I arrived early at almost the exact moment Felicia Fox, Vandalia, and Tim Case arrived. We greeted each other and talked a bit as I rang the doorbell on the non-descript Digital Playground building.

And we waited and talked.

And waited and talked.

And waited... and talked.

I rang again. Maybe everyone inside was in the restroom taking a piss at the same time.

Again, we waited and talked... less.

And waited and said nothing.

And waited.

"Maybe they canceled the show and forgot to tell us?" I wondered aloud, adding, "That would be SO porn-like."

Felicia, Vandalia, and Tim told me about their new apartment and how they're now official residents of porn valley, but my mind was elsewhere. It was thinking about what the fuck was going on with no one answering the freaking door.

I whipped out my cell phone and called Adella. She answered immediately.

"Where are you?" She said. "You're supposed to be here."

"I am here," I informed her. "I'm standing at the front fucking door waiting for someone to let us in."

"You're here?" Adella asked, "At the door?"

"Yes," I said, maintaining a calm, even voice.

"Why didn't you ring the doorbell?" She asked, apparently assuming I'm a retard who would stand there in the cold, too stupid to ring.

"I did," I said. "A couple of times."

"Well why hasn't anyone let you in?" She asked.

I stared at my phone a bit dumbfounded. "How am I supposed to know why no one's let us in. I'm out here. You're in there. You tell me!"

"Ring it again and I'll buzz you in," Adella said.

And I did and she did.

The four of us went upstairs to the high-tech, modern studio where DP Tonight takes place.

Robby D was standing there looking as macho as Carly Milne says he is. He rushed up, hugged me very macho-like, and then turned to the girls.

"Bitches! Cool!" He exclaimed.

What could he say more macho than that?

Adella inserted herself and quickly herded us into an office where she began explaining the show as she passed out paperwork for us to fill-out and sign. She used a felt-tip, orange marker to highlight all the places we had to make our marks. It reminded me of when I once purchased a home and had to got to the escrow office to sign loan documents. Only when I did that, there was less stuff to sign.

We finished the paperwork. I don't have a freaking clue what I was supposed to sign, and since I didn't have an attorney with me to explain it all, I provided a bunch of aliases and false information. Adella then told us the show would begin in a few minutes and invited us to help ourselves to the munchies buffet that was set out.

I had asked uber-publicist 'Shecky' Weiss to attend, which he did. There was also a studio audience present made up of Digital Playground workers-- mostly internet staff I think. And some other people; don't ask me who, I either don't remember, or I'm too lazy to type out who.

"DP Tonight" started out with Devon and Tabitha doing some schtick back and forth for about ten minutes. They're quite amusing, in a very ditzy sort of way, and in spite of what Mike South had to say on his website today. I guess they don't do fart jokes in Georgia. The fact that most of the humor was what some people call 'armpit' humor suited me just fine. I do 'armpit' humor pretty well, so I felt right at home.

Then they brought out Felicia and Vandalia. That went pretty good. Everyone had their tits out in short order. The all-girl blather went on for a while until they finally asked me up to the couch.

I had no idea how I was going to fit onto that loveseat. There were already 4 girls on it, and I'm not exactly a small guy. But somehow, my fat ass managed to get itself onto the cushions and the show went on.

I'm not going to try and remember what was said. According to Luke Ford's (the guy, not the website) column today on setgo.com, I was "sensationally funny." Luke also says in his column that I'm the "funniest guest" he'd ever seen on the show. Mike South's analysis of the show was a bit more sobering. Mike, after bagging on most of what went on said, "JimmyD did manage a few funny comments." Thanks Mike, I think I can manage a thank you as well.

Whether what Luke says is true or not, or if what the hillbilly pornographer said is closer to the truth, I have no idea. But let's face it, people tune into the show to see the girls. I doubt if anyone was listening to any of the moronic shit spilling out of my mouth.

It seemed like it was over in a flash. I guess time does fly by when you're having a good time. I got to manhandle some tits--that was fun. Encouraging Felicia Fox to work up a nice pussy fart was a real highlight for me. But like I said, I'm into that kind of humor.

Maybe they'll have me back again sometime. I don't think I insulted anyone too badly. A big thanks to everyone at Digital Playground for making it a lot of fun.

If for some odd reason you now wish you had seen the show, I think it's archived at DigitalPlayground.com.



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