I WANT AN AVNinsider COLUMN :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "I'll confess. I logged on to AVNinsider.com today. In fact, I log on to it at least, oh, once a month. And you know, I read some of the columns; like the one from Sin City's uber-guy Mike Raven. In his column he's thanking all these people for what? I can't quite figure it out. I think for just being there...for him...for us...for the porn biz, I don't really know. But hey, he's a uber-busy guy and he still found time to fill--for gratis-- some cyber-space, so ya gotta respect that, right?

Then I read Al Borda's account of the Free Speech thing at the No-Tell Hotel in Van Nuys, and just before I nodded off I started thinking...

"Does Al still make movies?" and, "Maybe on some slow news day I'll write up that whacky story about Al and the Nabisco Company and his movie Whoreos." But most of all I kept thinking, "Whatever happened to Tammi Ann?" Now there was a little piece of ass who could put a lump in your trousers.

I then clicked Henri Pachard. Man, ya gotta love Henri. I say we whack Bill Margold and put Henri in charge of being the Yassir Arafat of the Pornostinian People. Is there a made guy in the biz who comes across any nicer than Henri? He's become like the Mr. Rogers of Porn.

I decided not to read Andre Madness's column because his name and his picture make me feel like I'm gonna have an acid flashback. Besides, I already live in my own 'mind of madness,' I don't need to climb into his.

I confess to also not reading Dave Cummings, even though he's a good friend of mine. "Sorry Dave," but I'm guessing I'll trip over that same column in like thirty different magazines and a hundred web sites, so sooner or later I'll be reading it like it or not.

DAK's colum I've read before and even went so far as to comment on it here at sjD.com. I guess they didn't feel the need to remove it, even after my scathing words.

The Pussyman's column was ok, i guess. It wasn't self-serving, it was mildly informative. I did kind of think it read a little like an article you might find in the Automobile Club's member's magazine, except it was about pornstars being prostitutes which I guess you'd never find in that rag, but besides that, it was ok. Ok, Dave, you get an official jimmyD "OK."

Tera's column I did not read because, well, because I'm beyond sick of hearing about, and reading about, Tera freakin' Patrick! I mean gimme a break here. Give us all a break! You'd think the only girl in the whole biz is this Tera. And she's done what? Three or four movies tops? What's with that? Wasn't Jane Mansfield a big movie star, but was only in like one or two movies? (Tod Hunter will know the answer to that), is that what Tera is? The Jane Mansfield of the porn biz? Does she end up getting decapitated? Is it true she gets really quiet around a guy she really wants to fuck? Because I've met her, and she barely said a fucking word to me!

Then I click on Sydnee Steele and I'm suddenly tuned in to the Travel Channel. Thanks for sharing all them Aussie-isms you learned down under, Syd. Please explain what all that has to with the porn biz? Personally, I'd rather hear how your uber-Hubby, Michael Raven, who already directs like 52 big features a month for Sin City, manages to also direct for Wicked Pictures where you just happen to be a contract star. Now there's a story, I'll bet. I can't help but think, "No matter how big in this biz you get, once a suitcase pimp, always a suitcase pimp!" I know I should be ashamed of myself for saying that, but I already did. So fuck it. Raven's gotta be the hero to every suitcase pimp in the business. I mean lookit the guy. He's on top of the world, Ma! I sure as shit know that ole Skeeter Kerkove took a class in Michael Raven 101, cause now Skeeter's directing for Metro! What can I say? God Bless all of you! I shoulda married a girl with major whore potential myself. If I had, I bet I coulda been a contender!

Ok, who did I forget. Oh yeah, Lex Steele, The Steele Post, the Iron Tongue. Lex takes on a sociological treatise in his column: the convergence of mainstream and XXX. It's Sex in the Media 101, by Lex Steele, aka the meatpuppet Marshal McLuhan and his Mississippi Blacksnake. It's a pretty well thought out piece, with one big flaw: Sorry, Lex but you ain't never gonna see a big, black, cock pummeling some little white girl's ass on network television. Not in your lifetime, not in your kid's lifetime. And anyone who thinks it's all coming together, that soon the mainstream and us are going to be one big, happy fucking family, you just keep hitting that crack pipe!

Speaking of smoking crack, wait till you read Max Hardcore's colum. There's more HTML tags directing you to more fucking sites than I care to mention. Not sex sites, mind you, but sites about telescopes, and geography, and who the fuck knows what else. But in a nutshell, Max complains there's not enough really good looking girls coming into the biz on a regular basis. What the fuck's the problem here Maxie? Not enough new girls who don't know any better than to let you maybe fuck up their heads and scare them off? This ain't even worth commenting on.

Wow, I stumble upon a clever segue: Speaking of not worth commenting on, how about John T. Bone's article where he calls himself AVN's Sports Correspondent, and then proceeds to shill for his very own female wrestling company. Hey AVN! I want some of that free publicity too! What do you have to do to get it? Piss on some AVN Award Trophies like the Bone Boy did in his movie?

Which finally brings us to Tod (one 'd') Hunter: A man who has my vote for being a Hollywood Square. I click there and....wait a fucking minute, I click there and I click on Al Borda and I get the same column! Hey! Who wrote this shit anyway? Something's fishy here! Ahh....Tod must have wrote it because now I see all the stuff about TV and the Movies and shit that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with our business, but happens to be of great interest to Tod.

Anyway, I don't know whose in charge of this site, but jimmyD really really wants to write a column for you guys. I promise to behave and I promise to keep annoying Gene Ross and the people at Extreme if you guys give me a column so I can get all that free marketing value via all the traffic that goes through your site.

And just in case ya don't know, I got friends, capeesh?

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