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_POSTEDON 2003-04-12 15:14:11 by jimmyd

The Jiz Biz jimmyd _writes "

I gassed up my '85 Suburban last night and headed out to attend Digital Playground's "No Limits" premiere party that Adella (DP's publicist) invited me to.

The affair was being held in Beverly Hills at the Beverly Club. The Beverly Club is a former Deja Vu strip club turned into whatever it is now. By the way, I learned that the Beverly Club is an LFP/Borg cube. That's right, LFP recently acquired it. Man, is there anything the LFP/Borg don't want to assimilate? I guess I'm ok with that as long as they're not trying to assimilate me which, I should point out to my man Larry, is do-able providing the price is right.

I decided to let my old pal Vinny Marz tag along. Vinny's a former chef turned stand-up comedian. I met Vinny back in the day when I did some stand-up myself. Of course, I quit the comedy business to pursue a high-paying and rewarding career in adult entertainment. Vinny continues working as a stand-up, and an actor, and as a hot dog vendor 2-days a week at some doggie park in the Hollywood Hills.

You know what doggie parks are, right? Yeah, they're these city parks that are just for dogs and their owners. According to Vinny, the hot dog franchise at this dog park is fairly lucrative. I guess he does ok with dogs for dogs. Vinny's clientele includes dogs whose owners are people like James Woods, Steven Baldwin, Tom Snyder, and other actors and media types. Being a former chef, Vinny makes his own relishes and bakes up lots of stuff for his customers. He only uses Sabretts hot dogs--like they do on most New York City pushcarts--and if you know anything about tube steaks at all, you know that Sabretts are top-of-the-line dogs.

Vinny and I pull up to the Beverly Club at just the right, fashionably-late time. I steer to the curb and wait for the valet to come around. The fucking valet ignores us. I tell Vinny to call the prick over. Vinny does. The valet has some asshole excuse for why he's not going to park my 'Burb. This is the second time in a couple of weeks I've been in that general area of town, and it's the second time me and my 'Burb have been dissed by foreigner-valets.

We buzz around the block a couple of times and finally find this two-dollar parking lot. That's right, two-bucks to park in Beverly Hills. So I'm feeling better about the valet thing as I hand over a couple of crumpled bills to some other foreigner and we park the 'Burb.

We walk back to the Beverly Club and by the time we get there there's a fucking line. I hate these fucking lines. Standing in line waiting to get into some porn party is more demoralizing than being turned-down by some foreigner valet! If I wasn't so fucking stoned, I would have pitched a bitch. But I was... so I didn't.

We get to the front of the line and the prick doorguy checks me off the list but because Vinny's not on the list, he starts giving a Vin a hard time. Stoned or not stoned, I'm starting to lose it. Vinny's trying to cajole the guy into letting him in and that ain't working when all of a sudden Adella shows up at the door and makes everything right.

Adella hands us some drink-coupons and a copy of DP's new flick, "No Limits," and Vin and I head down the stairs into the club.

The Beverly Club is a pretty nice joint. The lighting's a little dim for my taste, but it's nice. Vinny's already complaining he's hungry. I tell him there's supposed to be some food there, but we can't find it. So we go to the bar to get some drinks. I don't usually drink, but since it's free I figure it makes no sense to waste the coupon.

Vinny and I get our drinks when suddenly Vin spots a waitress walking around with a tray of food. Vinny bolts over to her and comes back with some kind of shish-kebob things. In no time at all, Vinny's got the waitresses timing clocked and knows exactly when a new one will appear with a fresh tray of kebobs. The kebobs weren't bad. They had shrimp, chicken, and steak. I liked the chicken best. It had a nice, tangy sauce.

In general, the party's a pretty tame affair. Everyone's milling about trying to be seen and noticed. By this time I need a smoke. Vin and I head back up the stairs to the sidewalk smoking section which, interestingly enough, is the same place where you come into the club. We hang out up there and quickly I realize it's more fun on the sidewalk outside the club then downstairs in the club. Besides, I'd already had my fill of kebobs and I was out of drink tickets, so I figured we'd hang with the prick doorguy and make his life misearable for awhile.

While outside on the smoking sidewalk, I run into quite a few peeps from the jizz bizz.

I spot director Henri Pachard with some woman who keeps bending over and pressing her face into Henri's crotch. I guess life is all work for Henri.

Carly Milne is there with her hubby who I find out is an LFP/Borg minion working in their internet department. Carly does her best to avoid my digital camera's probing lens.

Skeeter Kerkove is out there shooting the shit with Ashley Blue. Skeeter tells me that this particular night is the one-year anniversary of when Skeeter taught Ashley how to anally fist herself. I guess if I ever feel compelled to shove my fist up my ass, Skeeter's the guy I should go to for a little hands-on training.

Jessica Drake, Dolorian, and Monique Alexander pull up to the curb flashing a lot of cleevage. For some reason, the valets have no problem with parking Jessica's SUV.

I bump into Randy Storm whom I haven't seen in a while. Randy tells me she studying to be a sex therapist and, yeah, it also includes her being a sex surrogate. I figure this is a perfect career move for a porn star, although she'd probably make more money just being a hooker.

Michael Raven and Red Ezra come over to pay homage to me. I like these guys. They got respect, you know what I mean?

Scott Fayner keeps walking out into the middle of the street to talk on his cell phone. I kept thinking, "If he gets hit by a car, I got my camera and it'll make a great pic for the site." Anyway, Scott managed to not get run down by a Beverly hills motorist. I asked him what kind of drugs he was doing and he couldn't remember.

Meatpuppet Tyler Wood showed up with pornstar Brittany Skye. I got on Brittany's case a little bit because she flaked on us (Smash Pictures) in Vegas when she was supposed to be in our booth to sign autographs. But you know, Brittany's some piece of ass, so it's pretty hard to hold a grudge with her. It'd be easy to be "pretty hard" in other ways with her, but in a grudge kinda way, no.

Nic Andrews showed up with his lovely lady who, if I remember correctly, he's engaged to be married to. She's not one of them. She's a civilian. I made some comment to Nic about it being "his" party and he told me it wasn't "his" party, it was Adella's party, so I'm kinda wondering if maybe there's a little discord going on in Camelot.

Kim Chambers and Scott Styles were there. I really like these two. They have a great relationship. They're two of the nicest people in the biz. And I don't even think Scott minds that I have impure thoughts about his wife. Kim told me that she had just spent the entire day alone playing with herself. "Yeah," I said, "In front of a webcam." Kim admitted to this and I observed that you can really tell which girls are the consumate professionals. They're the ones who won't even masturbate unless they're somehow getting paid for it.

Max Hardcore showed up with his squeeze Catalina. Max shook my hand and told me he holds no ill feelings for me. (I've bagged on Max a few times on the site). I assured him it wasn't personal and that was that.

By this time, Vinny's busting my balls that he wants to head home and the truth was, I was ready to split as well.

We headed back to the two-dollar parking lot. On the way there we were crossing a street and this guy was in the corsswalk with us. The guy dropped some stuff out of his pocket in the street. He picked his shit up and Vinny noticed that he'd missed picking up a card. The guy mutters "Jesus" under his breath and picks it up. It turns out the card is a card for his church. So now we're walking back to the 2-buck lot with some religious nut whose going on about some religious experience he just had because the moment he said "Jesus" he noticed the card was from his church and how Vinny and I were part of his religious moment and all Vinny and I wanted to do was get some distance between us and this zealot.

All in all it was a mundane evening. The party seemed to remain rather low-key while I was there. If it ever got wild, it must have happened after I left. Vinny had a good time. He said he thinks he got some good, new material for his act while he was there.

As for me, well, it's always a good night when you go out and parking only costs you two-bucks and the drinks are free.

What's better than that?

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