It's a rainy Monday in the City of Angels, and rainy Mondays always give me cause to pause and reflect. And during today's rainy Monday reflections, I've decided I owe apologies to a few people.

First off, I'd like to apologize to all those foreigner valets I've written unkind words about lately. It's not your fault I show up at your posh hotel or nightclub driving a vehicle that fails to meet the high standards of your upscale parking lot. If I'm too cheap to make monthly payments on a vehicle better suited to your environment, I'm probably too cheap to give you a decent tip, and that's my bad. I just need to accept it, deal with it, and move on (as a close friend of mine often advises me to do). So keep snubbing my '85 Burb. It's the right thing to do. It's my fault, not your's. I could travel all the way to the moon, and it would still only be right that my 'Burb be left off your parking lot's guest list.

I also want to apologize to Gene Ross. Recently, I wrote some unkind words about his review of Extreme Associates' "Extreme Teen #24." Apparently, I made the mistake of assuming the review was fresh and new, rather than it being something dredged up and recycled from the past. The next time I have something to say about something Gene has to say, I'll make double-sure that what Gene has to say is something he's currently saying, if you get what I'm saying.

Scott Fayner is next on my list for apologies. I admit I stole the porn-world-shattering scoop about Skeeter Kerkove teaching Ashley Blue how to anally fist herself right out of Scott's trembling hands. It was highly unprofessional of me to do this. I feel bad. It was like playing half-court, one-on-one, basketball with an intoxicated midget, and then bragging about the win. Scott, next time I become overzealous, please remind me that it's very uncool to do things like go through the pockets of an unconscious drunk, or to steal a scoop from a fellow jounalist of your calibre.

And last but not least, I want to apologize to the good folks bringing you the 'bumfucks' content. I should be a little more sensitive to the needs of porn fans who are looking for something different, regardless of how disgusting that something different may be. Porn is capitalism in its purest form and I just need to accept that. Just cuz it makes me want to vomit, just cuz I happen to think shooting content with untested human derelicts is wrong, doesn't mean that it is wrong. I apologize for trying to push my values on you.

Well, I feel better now. They say that confession cleanses the soul, but sometimes two little words like "I'm sorry" can make your soul feel squeeky clean just as well.

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