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_POSTEDON 2002-04-12 14:17:03 by jimmyd

News jimmyd _writes "

Ok, I'm starting a new series here on simplyjimmyd.com, and I think it's one that will be Informative for all of you: it's called "Politically Incorrect Cooking With JimmyD." You can imagine the hours I put in coming up with that title. If you want, you can just call this 'Cooking with JimmyD." We like to keep things simple here, remember?

Now you might be thinking, "I thought this was a porn site?" i.e., a porn news site (I'm a journalist now, after all, Fifth Estate and all that.) But let me ask you this about that, "What is porn without food?" We eat, we sleep, we work, we watch porn, we fuck. The eating part's important, no? I'd write about sleeping,which is important too, but that's not too exciting. Besides, you want to go to sleep? Go to AVNinsider.com. Guaranteed to work better than melatonin. (Until they have me on board writing a column.)

Alright, enough with the introduction crap.

Today I'm gonna teach you how to make Braciolla. For all you non-Italian crackers out there, Braciolla is sorta prounounced like 'Bra-Shawl,' only the 'sh' in 'shawl' sounds more like a 'j' like in jimmyD, but forget about it, your gonna like this so much, you ain't gonna care how you say it.

What is Braciolla? I think the word 'Braciolla' is Italian for a 'Turd in Bondage.' Cause when it's done, it kind of looks like something you squeezed out your ass and tied up with some string. (I know all my fellow greaseballs out there are thinking that was pretty funny, 'turd in bondage,' Multo bene, jimmy!) Anyway, the rest of you, don't get all grossed out on me here, trust me, this is primo wop fixin's, and your gonna love it.

Here's what you need to make this mouth-watering Italian dish:

1. A couple of pounds of steak meat, like maybe bottom round or top round depending on which way you like it, on the top or on the bottom. And it's gotta be sliced really really thin.

2. Three or four nice big cloves of fresh garlic. I hope you like garlic because there's a lot of it in this. Did you know they call garlic Nature's Pennicilin? Yeah, because it's really good for you. But if you get the clap, trust me, garlic alone ain't gonna hack it. See a freakin Doctor!

3. A couple of big bunches of fresh Italian parsley. If they don't have Italian parsley at your supermarket, whack the produce guy. Just Kidding. But if they don't, use regular American parsley. Don't use that Mexican shit. No Offense, Pedro, but you'll really fuck this up if you use cilantro.

4. Tomato sauce--gravy--whatever you wanna call it. (Although you can eat Braciolla naked if you want. I don't mean you naked...I mean the Braciolla, without sauce, that'd be eating it naked.) Anyway, in my family we called it sauce, but in a lot of my friend's families, and on the TV show The Sopranos, it's gravy. So, with sauce or gravy, who cares what you call it, but that's the way I like my Braciolla. And I'm not talking Ragu here! I'm talking home-made tomato sauce. If you don't know how to make a good Italian red sauce, keep checking back in, I'll get around to posting a good recipe for that real soon.

5. Your also gonna need salt and pepper, olive oil (and don't be a cheap fuck, get the good, imported stuff--that goes for buying pasta too!), and a spool of white thread. Better if the thread is a little thicker than your usual white thread, but I'm not talking string here, thread's thread and unless your a moron you should know the difference.

(NOTE: Some people might write in and say, "Is that it? Nothing else? I make Braciolla and I put other shit in it!" To you guys I say, "Look, that's the way my Grandmother, God Bless her soul, made it. And nobody EVER FUCKING COMPLAINED about her braciolla. She was from Naples, so I think she knew what she was doing, and whenever she made it, there was never any left-over no matter how many she made!")

Ok, let's make the braciolla.

Lay out your meat. Yep, lay it right out on a big cutting board or the counter, whatever. Now even though the meat's cut thin, I still like pounding my meat. Yeah, yeah, funny, I know, "pounding my meat," you guys have dirty minds. So take a wooden meat mallet and pound it good. That's called tenderizing the meat. You might even want to salt and pepper it and then pound it. That pounds that stuff right in.

Next you want to finely chop up a shit-load of garlic. I can't exactly tell you how much a shit-load is, but it's way more than you think you're gonna need because we're going to be very generous with it. The garlic is responsible for a lot of the flavor in Braciolla. I use a garlic press, and then chop with a big chef's knife. You might do it differently, whatever. After that, you want to clean and chop the the parsley. Make sure you get most of the water out of it before you chop it.

Now, you have your thin, pounded meat layed out in front of you, your chopped garlic, and your chopped Italian parsley. Go ahead and spread a bunch of garlic and parsley on the meat. More than you think. Then, roll the meat tightly like a jelly roll. It takes a little practice, but you'll get the hang of it.

After you roll it up like a jelly roll, you wrap the thread around it. Really tie that sucker up! Be Dominant with it! Go B&D why dontcha? You don't need to tie a knot or anything, just press the end of the thread against your meat, I mean, the meat, sheesh!

Now, heat up some olive oil in a big fry pan. I prefer cast iron fry pans, but you use what you want. And by the way, did you know that cooking in a cast iron fry pan gives you plenty of iron? That's real important for girls because every month you get, you know, your thing, And when that stuff comes out your losing iron so if you cook with a iron pan you put back the iron you bleed out of your...uhm... you know.

What'd'ya think? They might pick me for the Food Channel, or what?

Ok, once your oil's hot, you fry up the meat. Don't make the heat too high because you'll burn the oil! This ain't wok cooking with the Chinks, no offense to the Chinese guys, it's just a figure of speech, but that's peanut oil you use, and you can make that really hot without burning it, but not olive oil!

Alright, your meat's sizzling in the oil, so just saute it low, turning frequently, till they're all fully cooked and nicely browned.

Now you got two choices. Either the Braciolla goes in the sauce and cooks in there for a couple of hours, maybe the pot goes in the fridge overnight for tomorrow's supper, whatever, or you add some water till it's about half way up the Braciolli. You then cover the pan, and you simmer for an hour or two. Either way, the meat's going to melt in your mouth, which is the expected result!

Now eat! Mangiare! Get a hold of one end of the thread and let that Braciolla roll around on your plate while the thread comes off. Cut it up, put it in your mouth and chew!

Buono Appetito!


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