At first glance, the words, "You've got to be shitting me!" come to my mind. Then, upon thoughtful consideration, a whole series of thoughtfully considered questions pops into my brain.

First off, are there guys out there who want to have one these things? I don't mean sent to a taxidermist then proudly displayed over the mantle. I mean actually having one springing forth from your loins or groin or whatever the fuck you call that place your dick sticks out from? What would you do with a mantool like that? Would it increase your chances of a great sex life filled with lots of variety? And when I say 'variety' I'm talking about lots of different partners. My guess is no! You'd scare the shit out of most women with one of those.

Next question: Do we really want to watch some poor slut skewered with that thing? I guess the answer to that is "yes, we do." And just so you know, that's the 'royal we,' as in a bunch of you freaks out there. I'm not one of the 'we' or the 'you' who wants to see this thing in action. In fact, I could easily live my life without seeing this thing at all. But that's me. And since this is a 'different strokes for different strokes,' kind of world, I'll admit there's a solid market for watching this kind of carnival-side-show-sex freak-in-action stuff.

And you know how I know this absolutely for sure? Because we've already had some people in this business who were or are mutants like this guy.

Gentlemen's Video had Mr. Eighteen Inches under contract for quite a while. And Mike E., the guy who owns Gentlemen's Video, did really nicely with that shit. It's probably the best-selling line he ever had.

I shot some of that stuff for Mike E. with Mr. Eighteen Inches and I gotta tell you, I'm kind of wondering if this new guy is the same guy--the same guy who was Mr. Eighteen Inches that is.

I'll tell you why I'm suspicious. First off, Mr. E.I. (I'll abbreviate 'Eighteen Inches' for the rest of this because my fingers are already getting tired banging on this keyboard), anyway, the original Mr. E.I. measured about the same. In fact, that thing looks about the same. Both guys are out there about a foot-and-a-half, both are black, and there's a comment on Sub-Vision Films website about this Gigantor guy, (that's what they're calling the new guy with the elephant trunk between his legs) about him passing out. Well, Mr. E. I. had the same problem. His dick rarely got completely hard, but when it did, and when he blew a load, he passed right the fuck out. Boom! Just like that. He'd pop and go out.

Then there's this thing about Gigantor only willing to perform with a mask on. This also makes me wonder if Gigantor and Mr. E.I. are one and the same. After all, we've already seen Mr. E.I. in action. We've (again, the royal we) seen him many times. It might be a safer bet to come back into the biz like you're someone new, and wearing a mask would certainly help that along.

But I'm not saying I know with any certainty that Gigantor and Mr. E.I. are one and the same guy. For all I know, there's plenty of guys out there with trunks like that growing between their legs. I dont' really want to know that there are, but I guess it's possible.

What I also want to know is if dicks like these come in any other colors? I once read somewhere that, on the average -- dick for dick-- Caucasian males have the largest penises amongst Homo Sapiens. I know this flies in the face of conventional wisdom. Most people believe our African-originated brothers sport--on average--the largest schlongs. But hey, I didn't write the thing I read--I just read it. And who knows where they got their data from.

Just the other day I had a conversation with porn-stud Lee Stone. Lee and I were talking about the industry's fixation with large penises. (You see? Sometimes we do have serious, intellectual conversations in the porn biz.) Not having a large one myself --mine is certainly dwarfed by Lee's-- I questioned why so many porn fans seem obsessed with wanting to watch guys with really big dicks (most likely with dicks much larger than their own). Personally, I'd rather see a guy with a penis closer in size to mine scoring all the hotties. In fact, I'm considering shooting a series where it's all middle-aged, overweight, long-haired guys with small to regular siz dicks fucking a bunch of 18-year-old hotties. I might even make it a POV series. Anyway, Lee--who sports a pretty hefty package-- said he's not sure why this is either. Lee also told me he's lost magazine work because his dick and his physique are thought to be too intimidating for the readership of some of the sex rags out there. Apparently, the video side of the sex biz doesn't share the same view as some magazine publishers on this topic as Lee works almost daily in movies.

Maybe it's one of those great mysteries of life and should remain as such.

But then again, maybe I ought to go buy some of those penis-enlargement pills that Ron Jeremy does informercials for. If the pills work, maybe I'll find answers to this and other questions I can't answer as long as I have nothing exceptional hanging over my balls.

If you'd like to comment on this story, here's a good place to do so.

"