I had a chance to sit down and spend a little time with Gigantor today. No, not this new Gigantor with the 19" dick, I'm talking about the original Gigantor—bigger than big, taller than tall, quicker than quick, stronger than strong Gigantor.

JD: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today, Gigantor.

G: Call me G.

JD: Ok, G.

G: I don't get too many requests for interviews these days. I’m basically retired.

JD: All that might change once the world knows there's some guy with a big dick ripping off your legendary name.

G: Yeah, well I'm already talking to my attorneys about that. .

JD: You're considering a law suit?

G: We'll see. I don't want to tip my hardened-steel helmet just yet.

JD: I can understand that.

G: Besides, they say you ain’t shit until someone spoofs you in a porno. And my stuff is out on DVD now--a little free publicity might not hurt.

JD: Some people say there's no such thing as bad publicity. It's only bad if you don't do anything good with it.

G: Yeah, but my lawyers say this ain't a spoof. They say this guy is devaluing my name. You made that Sopornos flick, right?

JD: Yeah, I did.

G: Did you get sued?

JD: Nope.

G: Your flick was ok-- Could have used a robot in the cast. Half your actors acted like one anyway.

JD: Maybe next time.

G: I’m available if the money’s right.

JD: I’ll keep that in mind. So tell me, lawyers and spoofs aside, what do you think of this new Gigantor?

G: His dick ain't all that. Mine's bigger, and it's made out of a titanium alloy. What's he got? A bag of skin that fills with blood? When I’m sporting wood—sporting steel, actually—I got a couple of gallons of heavy-weight hydraulic fluid injected into my shit. Yeah, like that puny thing he’s got measures up to my two-foot love piston. Give me a break.

JD: I guess that's why they wrote that "bigger than big" line in your theme song.

G: The chic who wrote those lyrics certainly thought so.

JD: What about the "quicker than quick" part in the song?

G: I blow when I'm ready to blow. I'm programmed that way.

JD: I see. So you're something of a ladies man?

G: Size matters. Don't let anyone tell you different.

JD: Yeah, unfortunately, I'm well aware of that. So G, I'm sensing a bit of hostility towards this new Gigantor; this usurper of your good name.

G: There is no new Gigantor. There's only one-- and he's me! And I’m not hostile. I just don’t like some wimpy human ripping off my name.

JD: That’s understandable.

G: I was a major star back in the day.

JD: I know. I was a big fan.

G: Kids today don’t know entertainment when they see it. What’s with this Pokemon shit? Cute cuddly little mutants badly animated. Give me a break.

JD: You say that a lot.

G: Say what a lot?

JD: Give me a break.

G: Hey, give me a break! You know what? I gotta go lube my jaw.

JD: I guess the interview’s over?

G: You’re a smart guy.

JD: Thanks.

G: Yeah.

And that was it: A short interview with the real Gigantor. If I were this new guy stealing Gigantor’s name, I’d be looking over my shoulder.

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