Today is the 5th of May. For most of us, it’s a day like any other day; actually worse since it’s a Monday. But for lots of Mexicans, both here and elsewhere, it’s a holiday. It’s Cinco de Mayo!

For those of you who don’t savvy that lingo, "cinco" is pronounced like "kinko" with an "s" in the front. "Mayo" is NOT pronounced like you just ordered a ham-and-cheese-on-rye-hold-the-mayo. It’s like "My-oh."

Ok, now that we’re all on the same page with the pronunciations, I’ll fill you in on what Cinco de Mayo is all about.

“Cinco de Mayo is a date of great importance for the Mexican and Chicano communities. It marks the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla. Althought the Mexican army was eventually defeated, the "Batalla de Puebla" came to represent a symbol of Mexican unity and patriotism. With this victory, Mexico demonstrated to the world that Mexico and all of Latin America were willing to defend themselves from any foreign intervention. Especially those from imperialist states bent on world conquest.”

I know I sound real smart with this last paragraph, but the truth is, I ripped it off of some website that actually has a really smart person doing the writing.

So what’s the big fucking deal? The Mexicans beat the French in some battle. How hard was that? French military history ain’t all that impressive—ask Mike South, he devoted a lot of cyber-space to that subject a month or so ago.

So anyway, because they beat the Frogs, the Mexicans (who usually don’t need much of an excuse to party anyway) decided to make a holiday out of it. But you know, the Mexicans really have us to thank for this special day when they all get fucked up on Coronas and have a big barbeque. You see, the French Occupation of Mexico took place in the aftermath of the Mexican-American War of 1846-48. I think this was the same war where that thing with the Alamo and John Wayne happened. Anyway, after we whipped ‘em at the Alamo, there was a civil war in Mexico (actually, the Duke and Davey Crockett, and Daniel Boone and all them guys didn’t exactly whip ‘em, but it made for some good movies).

The civil war left Mexico bankrupt so the President of Mexico, some dude name of Benito Juarez, told everyone that Mexico owed money to to go fuck themselves! So then the English, the Spanish, and the French--all of who were owed some serious dough by Mexico-- told Juarez to go fuck himself! The European guys then decided to invade Mexico and get their money back any which way they could.

After a while, the Spanish and the English said “fuck this shit,” and left. (They probably all got Montezuma's revenge--a well-known Mexican bowel disorder.) But the French, not always known for making the smartest decisions but well-known for having tough bowels (look at some of the shit they eat) refused to leave. They probably liked the food in spite of the fact most Mexican restaurants don't have snail tacos on the menu. So the French created an empire in Mexico under Napoleon III. (I don’t think this Napoleon is the same Napoleon as the one who wore that stupid hat and was always sneaking his hand under his shirt and into his pants and scratching his balls.)

Interesting sidenote: Some people think the French occupation of Mexico was really about the USA getting more powerful and so the snail-eaters wanted to have a military force nearby ready to deal with it, but I don’t buy into that shit. I mean, c’mon… we woulda’ whipped them goose-liver eaters then, and we’ve been able to whip ‘em ever since!

So that’s basically what Cinco de Mayo is all about. Personally, I always try to enjoy this festive holiday by finding some cute little cornchita to have some whacky sex with--you know... play 'hide the burrito' in her bearded taco. It's interesting to note that if you decide to go to Tijuana to sample the whores, they're all in and around Avenida Revolucion (which I think has something to do with beating the French too), not that I'd know that from any personal experiences.

Ok, this has been another educationally-driven, simplyjimmyd “This Day in History” story because I don’t have anything else to write about; well, actually I do, but I'm holding off on a few things because... just because.

If you'd like to comment on this story, here's a good place to do so.


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