Los Angeles, June 25, 2122:

A team of forensic scientists today announced they believe the mysterious “Shroud of Chatsworth” is a nearly 100-year-old scrap of bed linen used to cover the lifeless body of Larry Flynt when it was discovered almost a century ago in a seedy Los Angeles motel room. The team's chief forensic scientist, Dr. James Flynt, offered only speculation for the seemingly miraculous transfer of Flynt’s facial image to the bed sheet.

“I can only liken it to those press-on tattoos that were so popular with kids while he was alive,” said Dr. Flynt, a descendant of the man whose life inspired one of today’s most secretive, mysterious, and unusual religions. “Someone must have licked his face just before they covered him,” he added.

The shroud was discovered early last year when LAPD Swat Team members arrested a known Flyntist who was barricaded in his home in Chatsworth. The man, whom police characterized as a fanatical, religious zealot, and whose identity has never been released due to Homeland Security laws, was suspected in the terrorist bombing of the home of an anti-pornography leader.

“We’re still looking for artifacts that will give us a better idea of how Flyntism began,” said Dr. Flynt. “We hope to locate the tombs of Flynt's Apostles: Jim, James, Jimmy, and of course, Kris, the outspoken Flynt disciple who dedicated his life to spreading the Flynt word and is credited with converting thousands of whores, prostitutes, and pornstars to Flyntism,” said the forensic team's leader, Dr. Flynt.



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