If you want to celebrate July 4th a little bit differently, and you’ve always wished you were an Italian-American (which I know all of you who aren’t, have), forget about the burgers and dogs; don’t even think about ribs or chicken; save a cow and pass on the steaks. If you want to be a wop-for-a-day, celebrate our independence from the Brits and your independence from conventional July 4th cuisine, put sausage and peppers on your holiday menu.

For those of you who are thinking this is unpatriotic, let me remind you that this country was discovered by an Italian (Christopher Columbus) and named after an Italian (Amerigo Vespucci).

First off, you need to pronounce this shit right. The correct way to pronounce ‘sausage’ (if you’re going say it like a Guinea), is to pronounce it like this: SAW-SEE-GH. Just let it roll of your tongue: SAW-SEE-GH. There, you now sound like you’re 100% a back-East Wop. (All Italian-Americans are from back East. Nobody came from the Old Country and went straight out West, unless maybe they were gay and everyone knows there ain’t any gay-Italians.) And when you say ‘peppers,’ you say it like this: PEP-PEZ. Try it, “SAW-SEE-GH ‘N PEP-PEZ.” Yeah, you got it! By the way, onions are also an important part of this dish, but we don’t bother sayin’ nothin’ about the onions. Don’t ask me why. How the fuck am I supposed to know? We just don’t.

Ok, so let’s talk about the sausage. The first thing you DON’T do is buy them from the supermarket. That shit’s shit. Go to a genuine Italian deli or grocery store and get the real shit. And if you’re in California watch out that Italian deli ain’t actually an Armenian deli because them Armenians are really sneaky-- always trying to pass themselves off as Italians when it comes to delis.

There’s only two kind of delis that are worth going to for anything deli: Italian and Jewish. Of course, don’t go to a Jewish deli for your Italian sausage, you’ll probably end up with knishes or some other Jew shit.

Should you get hot or mild sausage? That’s up to you. Me personally, I like to mix them up. That way it’s a surprise when I bite into them.

And while you’re at the Italian deli, or if there’s an Italian bakery nearby, get some nice Italian rolls. Again, you get a choice between soft or crusty, but just know that real Wops prefer crusty unless they’ve lost their teeth, which maybe a few of them have. You’re also going to need some imported olive oil. Don’t get anything but the imported stuff; and don't get that Greek shit either. Italians forgot more about olive oil than those fucking Greeks ever knew. Should you get regular, virgin, or extra-virgin olive oil? Whatever you like, ok? It all comes from olives.

Now go to a produce market and pick out some nice peppers. I like to mix ‘em up. You know, green, red, orange. These are sweet peppers—like bell peppers—so don’t fuck up and get some hot Mexican peppers or you’ll be sorry and you’ll insult any real Italians who might be eating any of this. And when you're buying onions, don't get those red onions--buy some brown or white onions. The big sweet onions are nice too.

Since it’s the 4th of July, you probably want to do the sausage on the grill. But let me warn you, there’s a lot of fat in those plump sausages and you might end up with a raging freaking inferno on the grill. So here’s what you do: you boil the sausages first. Not till they’re all the way cooked, but maybe till they’re about half-cooked. That gets rid of a lot of the fat and you can then grill them to a nice golden brown without burning down the neighborhood.

Before the sausages go on the grill, you should have already sliced up the peppers and the onions—lots of them; way more than you think—and they should be in a big fry pan cooking slowly in the olive oil. I mean slowly! Don’t’ burn them. Keep turning them. You want them to end up soft and kind of mushy, but not burnt, but it's okay if some of them are a little bit blackened. You might also chop up some fresh garlic—and again, don’t be a cheap fuck; garlic won’t kill you, in fact, it might help you to live longer. You can also add a little salt and pepper if that's what you like. And maybe even some oregano and a little fresh basil--but don't get carried away with the basil, that shit's potent and it will overpower the peppers and onions.

Ok, that’s it! Simple, no? The sausages are now a nice golden brown and cooked all the way through but still moist (there’s nothing worse than sausages cooked till they’re dry). The peppers and onions are cooked till they’re soft. Cut up some rolls, stick a sausage in the roll, maybe two, smother them with a heap of those nice peppers and onions and take a big bite. Chew slowly with your mouth closed like your mother always told you. You're not an animal, right?

Anyway, enjoy: It’s the fucking best!




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