I'm totally bored. So what do I do? I do what I always do when I'm totally bored. I click on over to AVNinsider.com. Why? To prove that no matter how bored I am, there are places I can go where things will be even more boring. And AVNinsider rarely let's me down.

Plus it's 'Shit-Disturber Friday.' A day I've dedicated to stirring up some new shit.

Anyway, back to AVNinsider. First off, I read the long-winded infomercial for Las Vegas Novelties. It's the kind of cleverly disguised advertisement, masked as an insider-information article, that only a marketing whiz at AVN could think up. I guess a text-based commercial is AVN's idea of taking us 'inside' the adult world. Of course, the only inside place this article hopes to go is inside the wallets of some of AVNinsider's less astute readers. Nuff said.

Then it's Tod. You gotta love Tod, I know I do. Only Tod could make a career as a star reporter in the adult entertainment business, yet only report news and and other stuff about the mainstream entertainment business. I've yet to read anything in Tod's AVNinsider column that has anything to do with the jizz bizz other than in this particular column where he did say "hi" to me, i.e., the 'me' who is actually a part of THIS business. And since I'm the 'King of Compassion,' I'm going to forgive Tod for neglecting to provide an online link (like I've done above) to my website, which also IS, for the most part, about the adult entertainment business.

John T. Bone is next, and frankly, I don't know what the fuck John's been smoking in his pipe lately. He seems to have become porn's Papa Hemmingway with his adventurous little tales and short stories about himself and his quests to sneak in on Paul Fishbein. If I were Fish, I'd be pretty nervous, cause even though I know John's blatantly heterosexual background, I'd still be smelling a fag on my ass.

And finally I get to Al Borda's column. And Al's little literary treat is why I'm writing this crappy article today.



Some of you might know that recently I've been accused of 'Bleeding Heartism.' And while I'll admit I've always had a soft spot for underdogs and losers (which is why in spite of my clever criticisms of Extreme Associates, I really 'feel' for them guys), but my leftist, pinko, liberal, bleeding heart views don't usually extend to myself. In fact, I'm often hard on myself; I'm a prick to myself; Half the time I can't stand my-fucking-self. But that's another article for another day. Today, we're gonna look at what Al Borda had to say in his 'Al Borda's heart bleeding all over Al Borda' column.

Al begins: 'What I have done for the industry, or as some people may say, what have I done to the industry?'

You're right Al. I can't think of the last time I was at any adult biz event where someone didn't come up and tell me what Al Borda's done for or to this industry?

Al then goes on with a chronological history of his career in the adult business. Al tells us it all began in (Sin City Box Designer) Mark Snyder's office. In actuality, a place where more porn careers almost ended than began, but again, that's another story for another time.

Then Al goes on to name a few of his competitors at the time, e.g. Seymor, Max, John T., Bruce Seven, and tells us, basically, that the difference between them and he is that he, Al, did everything himself. He was the cock and the shooter, he also sold, packed, shipped, designed, marketed, collected.... he did it all. In fact, the only thing these other guys and Al have in common is that they are all 'pioneers of porn,' and that everyone should be kissing their collective asses.

'...I was the only true one-man game in town. I starred in my videos or was doing the camera work, I sat through the editing, I design the boxes, I sold the tapes to stores and distributors, I even packed the tapes and shipped them myself. Max, Seymore, Buttman, Bone, Seven and myself are all pioneers of porn, and all the video store owners, tape duplicators, printers, distributors and lawyers should be thankful and respectful to us.'

Uh oh! Apparently, somebody forgot to send flowers or a birthday card, and so someone's a little grouchy.

Al then goes on to tell us how bright he was when it came to manufacturing product and then exploiting it:

'This is why my productions were kept at a cost to where my videos would still be profitable, I had no cable version, I still have never made a cable version for an Al Borda Video, and at the time I had no foreign distributors. I never sold my footage to any other company. I never whored my product or myself to any company. I have always been a stand up guy...'

Actually Al, if you decided to never make a cable version, to not sell foreign, to not sell any of your footage to anyone else, I don't think being a 'stand up guy' is the best description of yourself, I think being a 'dumb shit' better describes your pioneering business acumen.

'I was talking to the new owners of Al Borda Video the other day and they told me that the ABV product just does not have the drive that it used to, that the distributors don’t like me, and they don’t want to carry a product that bears my name. Some distributors and stores have always been ungrateful. These are the same cheap bastards that would rent tapes out and return them back to me as overstock. These are the same cocksuckers that would put tapes in the video arcade and run them until the spools would be worn out and not even play any more, and return them as defective.'

Good one, Al. Again your business savvy is peerless. Who else would think to viciously attack the very same people who most likely, would be the buyers of any future lines you might affix your name upon.

'Do you think I need you now? Look at me. I’ve still got your attention! I always have and always will be a leader and a trendsetter.'

Yep. You the man, Al! Although with a head the size of your's, I'm thinking another Hindenberg disaster might be in the offing?

'Here are a couple of things that I may have invented or started, but these are things that I continuously have done in my videos as if I had invented these type of things: gaping anal shots, double pussy penetration or double anal, ATM (Ass To Mouth) and straight- out gonzo off the cuff – no script, no plot, no story. The whole MTV cam-that was done by me because I could not hold the camera steady, not because it was cool. Back in the '90s, I would shoot on film (Super 8) and intercut music video-style vignettes in black/white or duotone colors and put that into my video.'

Fucking Al! You are the man. The ultimate porn-auteur! We owe it all to you, you little pioneering genius, you! Man. I've often used those cinematic styles in my flicks. I had no idea I owed it all to you. From now on, I'm putting an 'Al Borda' credit in my movies. I'm not sure exactly for what, maybe for everything. That should cover it, right? And the next time I've got two dicks fighting for elbow room in the same chics asshole, I'm telling her, 'Hey babe, you owe this shit to Al Borda. And in a minute or two when you have both those shit-stained dicks in your mouth, that's called A2M, you can thank Mister Borda for that too!'

Of course, Al's not too melon-headed to give some credit to others:

'I have to give props to Max, Seymore, Seven, Buttman and Bone for being behind me (or in some chases in front of me) every step of the way, and for pushing the limits. And now days there are companies like JM & Extreme and others pushing it for the next guys. Without us where would porn be today?'

I dont' know, Al. Without you, I don't know where the fuck we'd be today. Not having much of a laugh, I guess.

'I have never been acknowledged for my great job. AVN couldn’t even fit me into their program to be a presenter at the AVN Awards show held last January and they didn’t even remember me when they did the special on gonzo and put my competitors on the cover and talked about them in the article, but forgot about me.'

Watch out, Paul! Not only have you maybe got a fag cruising your ass, you might also have a pornographer about to go postal on you!

Finally, Al delivers the most devastating news of all:

'Now that AVNInsider has about 50 guest writers, this will be my last biweekly column. My new column will be monthly. I do want to thank Heidi at AVNInsider for giving me the opportunity to express my views and the ability to piss off a couple more people. Rock on! --Al Borda'

RIP Al.

You could always go back to selling used cars.


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