WILL THE REAL ROBERT LOMBARD PLEASE STAND UP? :: Simply Jimmy D :: Breakin' News or Breakin' Balls: It's all the same to me!

jimmyd _writes "I just read all the crap about Robert Lombard, Herschel Savage, and Hersch's newly wedded wife, Wanda Curtis. Jesus H. Keeeerist it took a long time to get through all that blather. It's like Robert and Hersch going on and on and on...

Shutup already!

The one thing I came away from the bullshit wondering was this: Who the fuck *IS* Robert Lombard these days?

I came across Robert's name a number of years ago when I shot some tease videos. They were popular as filler on some cable outlets for awhile. Since there was no sex in them, I could cast legit actresses who were willing to do full nudity. Basically, each girl performed a fifteen minute striptease in a unique location to some post-added sultry music. We shot multi-cams and cut this shit as artfully as we could. Anyway, Robert was some sort of agent who represented a lot of talent that fell into this category. There was another guy, Hal Guthu, who also represented many of these girls. Hal was killed (some believe murdered) last year in an office fire of dubious origin. In fact, I still don't know what became of that investigation, and I never did find out if Hal's beloved parrot also died in the blaze.

Back to Robert: I can't remember if I did any biz-a-ness with Robert or not. But a year or so ago, I became reaquainted with him when he was a guest on the Luke Ford Radio Show, which I was the co-host of...on...whatever.

During the show I found out a bit more about Robert and his casting operation, which was involved in putting porn chics in late-nite , 'R' Rated adult fare. I guess there's more good-looking porn chics willing to take it all off and simulate sex than there are regular actresses who will do it. Or maybe its that porn girls suck a better dick for the work. Hey! I don't want to piss anyone off here. But it ain't a big stretch to think that some porn star might suck some horny mainstream producer's dick to be in a real movie, right? Anyway, I also found out that Robert had become chummy with Sin City's uber-director Mike Raven. Something about them both driving the same kind of car. Anyway, fast forward to this year's AVN Expo in Vegas and I'm talking to Robert and the Uber-One at the new and improved Sin City booth and now I'm thinking this guy Lombard is becoming more porn and less mainstream.

So between the radio interview and meeting Robert in Vegas, I know a little bit about him and he seems like a nice guy. He's also emailed me a few times to tell me he enjoys the site.

But now I can't figure out who the real Robert Lombard is? Is he a mainstream guy fllirting with the jiz biz, or is he now a full-fledged pornographer? Based on what I read, I'm going with the latter.

So Robert, if you read this, what's the deal? You've told me before that reading my site is always an education for you. I think maybe I'll educate you a bit more, now that you seem to be a real pornographer. Here's some freebie advice for you and your deep-pocket investors:

First off, don't use mainstream crews, make that mainstream cameramen to shoot smut. They don't have a fucking clue what to shoot, how much footage they need, or how to interact with the people who are doing the fucking. It is so fucking pompous and arrogant of you or anyone else to look down your collective noses and say, "Oh, you know, we used a mainstream crew to get the best...." (You listening Nic Andrews????) These mainstream guys will invariably shoot too much or too little of what your editor really needs, and they will most certainly be intimidated by the talent, i.e., the slut and the meatpuppet will walk all over them. This is not to say that all the guys shooting cameras in the porn biz know what they're doing either. In fact, most of them don't have a fucking clue as well. Fortunately, they are saved by modern cameras having technologically advanced "auto" modes. In reality, this means some geek engineer back in the land of the rising sun--slurping noodles, eating sea weed, and chugging green tea--is the D.P. of your movie. There are, however, some pretty good videographers in the jiz biz: some as good or better than many a mainstream guy!. And I think I can say this with some authority as I've shot cameras and edited camera work in both worlds. By the way, so have more than a few of my fellow porn shooters.

Next, who the fuck had the bright idea of shooting seven scenes in one day? You went overtime? D'uh!!!

Third, you booked people for the whole day? Apparently your PM (production manager) is a mainstream person too. Believe it or not, you can schedule a porn shoot just like a mainstream shoot if you know WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING!

Fourth, and this one made me laugh out loud: High-Def????? You're going to shoot in High-Def??? Whose aborted brainchild is that? Is Buck Adams on your payroll? Whose going to watch this smut in High-Def? You think you're going to get an extra penny when you sell this shit because you shot it with High-Def cameras? You think some Bozo spanking his monkey really gives a flying fuck that you shot it in High-Def? You think most pervs have High-Def monitors at home? Here's a tip: Save your High-Def money and spend it on better looking girls doing nastier stuff. Here's another tip, I seriously doubt you're going to get any more from your cable sale for the High-Def thing. Last I heard, neither Playboy, Spice, nor TEN is pay-per-view providing in High-Def. If I'm wrong, please let me know.

Ya know, if I sound kind of agitated here, you're absolutely right! This shit really gets to me. I've listened to this crap many times before. I've been on some of these porn/mainstream sets. You guys come in here with your 'we can build a better mousetrap' attitude, and you think you're impressing anyone? Trust me, you guys are impressing no one!

Here's another tip: If a girl on your set decides she's going to be a cunt, she's going to be a cunt! And because you think you're operating a mainstream-like professional set ain't gonna mean crap to this girl who's already decided to go cunt-al on you.

You want to know what impresses people in this business? I'm not talking the talent now, I'm talking the business people because nothing really impresses the talent besides cash, really good pot, and getting them done in lightning time (regardless of what you told them, and they agreed to, before arriving). But back to impressing people: You want to really impress the people that matter? Put four-thousand pieces out the door! You think High-Def gets you 4 thousand out the door? You think your mainstream crew gets you four-thousand out the door? Trust me on this one fellas, a really good box, with a really clever title, with really hot chics performing very nasty sex and receiving an Editor's Choice AVN review doesn't guarantee 4 thousand out the door, but it's got a better shot at doing it then High-Def cameras do. Mainstream guys shooting porn with High-Def cameras means nothing other than you spent too much money on stuff you shouldn't have spent money on.

Ok. I'm done. Good luck to you and your people. I'm available, by the way...you know, to shoot or direct or whatever. Maybe we can do lunch.

"


	Search


WARNING · Extreme Adult Content Discretion Advised