I’m often amazed by which posts I offer up on this site that elicit the most reader responses. And it’s almost never the sorts of subjects I expect people to respond to. Instead, it’s usually the silly shit. My analysis, of course, convinces me that more people are interested in silly stupid shit than in hard news, gossip, porn, politics, or most anything else. People also love feuds, especially asinine feuds.

For instance, anytime I’m having an online feud with some moron like, for the sake of an example, Jim Holliday, I get a lot of email. When I write about personal hygiene, I get more than a few responses. When I write about stupid shit, like being a Druid, I get lots of emails. And while subjects like baldness rate high, it doesn’t rate as high as almost any reference to stuff like piss and shit; I don’t mean just using the words, “piss” and “shit,” I mean actual piss and shit.

Interestingly, the all-time #1 story in the history of this site (based on the number of reader’s responses, traffic it seemed to generate, and the length of time the story continued to linger on) was the time I posted a very short mention that I had woke up one night to take a piss and noticed that one of my testicals seemed to be hanging lower than the other. Who would’a thought THAT would have generated so many emails, so much lengthy discussion, so much traffic, and so on? Not me, that’s for sure. But it did. So I guess BALLS RULE! And how fucking gay might THAT be?

Anyway, I’m writing about shit I didn’t intend to write about. What I intended to post was this:

I’d like to share a couple of the emails I received regarding my concerns about having a pedicure and what that might say about my sexuality.

Todd, from LFP/VCA writes: “Jimmy D-- It's not gay. I have had it done and it's not gay.”

jimmyD sez: Notice that Todd feels he must state that pedicures are not gay twice-- not once, but twice. Probably in case I misread him the first time his email says it and also probably because Todd has had a pedicure and wants to make damn sure everyone knows it ain’t gay… which, I can perfectly understand him wanting to do.

Todd continues: “I understand that you live the Santa Clarita Valley. There are a couple places you could go to. One is in the Valencia mall. And the other is on Via Princessa & Sierra Hwy. It's over by Hollywood Video. The one in the mall has awesome chairs that massage your back and the other has hotter Asian chicks.”

jimmyD sez: Thanks for the info, Todd. Obviously, based on my concerns regarding the potential gay factor in having one’s peds pedicured I’ll opt for the other one; i.e., the one with “hotter Asian chicks.” And rest assured, I will be one flirty, dirty dog while the hot Asians are clipping my toenails. I will leave no doubt to anyone around that I am a straight heterosexual man-dog, always on the prowl for things like hot Asian pussy… and, uhmm, pussy of all kinds.

Cricket, the Porn Shop Princess writes: “Hi there! Sorry I didn't get to see you during the time that I was out there (I really really wanted to, but I wound up being crazy busy the whole stinkin' time). I'm more fired up about the industry than I was before the trip, though, so I imagine that I'll be either visiting again soon or moving out there.

So, about this pedicure thing. You have a couple of choices. You can do it at home, bleeding and all, which is butch and very heterosexual if not very safe. You can even butch it up further by getting your handy-dandy Dremel tool (you DO have one of those, right???) and using it to remove the callouses from your heels. OR, you could go and get a freakin' pedicure already. There are places in NY and LA that specifically cater to men having "spa treatments". Beer & pretzels in the waiting rooms, that sort of thing. If you're that freaked out, go to one of those. Or go to the Korean nail place around the corner (they're ubitquitous...look for them and you'll start seeing them everywhere). The place around the corner is cheaper but sometimes the cleanliness is a bit sketchy and there's no beer. Either way, I don't care who you are - getting a pedicure fucking rocks. These people silently massage your aching tootsies, never complain about how badly the stench is that emanates from your shoes nearby, and sometimes you even get to sit in a massagey chair and soak your widdle feets in a mini-Jacuzzi made just for them.

Look at TC and tell him, "Douche and get back to me." Either that, or book one of the expensive places and invite him along. It's not like you're booking yourself a Spa Day so you can have a pedicure, a facial, a massage, perhaps a thigh-lifting body treatment and a sac wax. Half the reason you're doing this (besides not wanting to get blood on the damn carpet AGAIN) is so you don't slice your wife's leg open in the middle of the night with those disgusting talons of yours. It's only gay if you get little flowers or hearts painted on your big toe, so that you'll be able to show off your new nail art next time you wear those Teva's that are probably only held together by duct tape and sheer will at this point.

Go get the pedicure. Capiche? Lurve, Crickett”

jimmyD sez: Grazie, Crickett… Capisco. By the way, would it be gay if I had them paint silhouettes of naked bimbos on my toes like they have on those manly mud flaps they hang behind the tires of big-rig diesels? Oh, another thing: WTF are “Dremel tools” and “Tevas?”

***UPDATE***

This just in-- MikeSouth offers a thoughtful, decidedly non-metrosexual view of the whole "are pedicures gay?" debate.

Mike writes: "Pedicure? Say it aint so....I could give a rats ass what Cricket or anyone else says... its fuckin gay. Pull out your pocket knife and do it yourself like a real man... jeez, you left coast bedwetters beat all I have ever seen.....

Mike South
Multi-AVN Award winning Producer/Director of Adult Videos"

jimmyD sez: Now I'm more confused than ever.

***ANOTHER UPDATE***

And in another late-breaking update, LFP/VCA's Todd jumps once more into the fray.

Todd writes: "Jimmy D, I'll say it again. It's not gay. It's like the whole foot massage conversation in "Pulp Fiction". If a chick is doing it, I don't see a problem with it. However, there is no way in hell that I would ever let some dude touch my feet.

Vincent: "Would you ever give a guy a foot massage?'"

pause...

Jules: "Fuck You!:

JimmyD sez: Hmmm... I forgot about that "Pulp Fiction" dialogue. And it's true, that bit certainly should apply to the subject of pedicures. Hmmm.





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