Before I begin babbling on about what I want to babble about, I’d like to direct your attention to the lovely Nautica Thorn pictured with this article.

I shot Nautica yesterday for my third inter-active DVD for Anarchy Films.

This one’s called, “Playing With Nautica Thorn.” The first two in this incredible series were “Playing with Ariana Jolee,” and “Playing with Lucy Lee.” This is #3 in the series which, I’m happy to add, is kicking some serious ass in sales. I guess that’s why we shot a #3 and that’s why they’ll probably be more numbers in the future.

I kinda like this shot of Nautica. It's very retro-Playboy-esque. But the truth is, there’s so fucking many hot shots of her in the pretty girl stills I took that it was really hard to pick out just one to post with this article. And while I’m stroking my own ego here, let me say that—in my opinion—I can hold my own with a still camera with any of you egotistical fucks who THINK you’re all that; including those French photographers who really think they’re God’s gift to glamour and tease photography.

On many of the sets I've worked on over the years, it's often been a contest between the still photographers and one or two of the girls for the "Who Thinks Their Shit Don't Stink" award.

Okay, I got that off my chest.

But while I'm getting shit off my chest, let me also make a humble claim: I can shoot stills as good or better than most of you arrogant fucks AND I can shoot the freakin' video camera on the same set for the same show in less time than most of you guys can get it done with a still photographer AND a video shooter. Of course, that’s just my humble, unbiased opinion.

Wow! I feel better!

Okay, time to quit jerking myself off and get on with what I wanted to get on with…

In keeping with the theme I began in the last article that talked about Legend’s famous skateboarding champion turned porn director, I’d like to briefly comment on Metro’s touted new director, Hank Spain. And remember, this shit ain’t personal. I don’t even know this Hank Spain. He’s probably a wonderful, warm, fuzzy, talented, lovely man... like me.

But according to HardCoreGossip.com, a site authored by my friend, Devan, and to the best of my knowledge owned and paid for by Metro. (i.e., the site, not Devan… well, I guess they pay Devan, but they don’t actually own Devan… at least I don’t think they do.)

Anyway, according to to whoever the person is who--I assume--is cutting-and-pasting this shit from some Metro press release (which, btw, also might be written by my friend, Devan, as well cuz ya know... What do I know?) But according to Devan or Metro or someone else or all of them or none of them, Hard Core Gossip reports: “To compliment the cutting edge, hard-core stable of…”

Blah, blah, blah, blah…

“Metro Interactive has entered into an exclusive distribution agreement with world renowned, critically acclaimed fashion photographer Hank Spain who has…”

Blah, blah, blah, blah, and who…

“...presents the most beautiful women in the world in a fresh, original, glossy, hard-core format.”

Time out! Here's another shot I took of Nautica. Nice, huh? Like I said before, it's from the upcoming "Playing With Nautica Thorn," available soon from Anarchy Films. And I'm only posting another cuz, wel, cuz she's so fucking hot!

Alright, let me continue with this Hank Spain thing.

Please keep in mind that part in Metro's press release about Hank Spain being a “world renowned, critically acclaimed fashion photographer,” cuz it’s important, okay?

HardCoreGossip.com continues: “Famed photographer, Spain has photographed some of the most prestigious names in mainstream and now brings his ingenious style to XXX film. His creative, artistic lensing lends a lustrous finish to down right dirty sex.”

Okay, that’s all I’m gonna quote from Metro’s press release because… well, frankly because it just drones on with typical PR bullshit ad nauseum.

But let’s revisit some key points about Hank Spain:

First, Metro says he’s a “world-renowned, critically-acclaimed fashion photographer,” which, no doubt, makes him even more famous than some 18-year-old skateboarder. And remember, Hank’s not simply well-known or experienced, he's “WORLD RENOWNED,” and of course, "CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED” because those two things almost always go together: world-renowned and critically-acclaimed, that is.

Next, “Spain has photographed some of the most prestigious names in mainstream…” Well, of course he has! How else do you get so famous as a fashion photographer? You sure don’t get that way shooting porn stars or portraits at Sears Portrait Center.

Now, one would think—at least I would think—that if some photographer is such hot shit in the fashion world I’d be able to go onto the internet and find some examples of his work, right? Only makes sense, right? I mean, big deal... the internet... everyone’s got something going on the internet, right?

Wrong.

I performed search after search after search. And not just with Google or Yahoo; I used some really hard-core search engines. And I searched this Hank Spain every which way but loose. But alas, I could not find ONE FUCKING MENTION of Hank Spain, fashion photographer (world-renowned, critically-acclaimed or not.)

So who the fuck is bullshitting who here?

Why don’t you guys just try producing some decent smut and quit making out like your directors are anything other than simple, hard-working, porn-Carnie, pervs because, you know what? Everyone knows you’re all full of shit when you try to pump this PR nonsense out there.

Ya see, believe it or not, you guys ain’t foolin’ no one—not even the the people who buy this shit.

* * * U P D A T E * * *

First, here's another jimmyD-captured, wet-dream shot of Nautica from Anarchy Films' soon-to-be-released Interactive DVD, "Playing with Nautica Thorn."

Next, I received a phone call this morning from the powerful porn moguls at Anarchy Films.

Apparently, they took some exception to one of my egotististical claims I made in this article; specifically, the part where I wrote, "I can shoot stills as good or better than most of you arrogant fucks AND I can shoot the freakin' video camera on the same set for the same show in less time than most of you guys can get it done with a still photographer AND a video shooter."

Now remember, these are the people who pay me and who pay the rest of the crew and who pay the cast and, most importantly from the perspective of their disagreement with my claim, they pay for the stage or location where we're shooting.

You see, it's the part about me getting the job done "in less time" than others that they're questioning.

Cuz, ya see, these porn impresarios have two jobs to perform during the making of this shit we shoot: Pay as little as possible for the production and sit around the set bored and trying to get me to hurry the fuck up so they can go home.

So no matter how competently the job gets done, it never gets done quickly enough. They've got homes and DVD players and TVs and lonely pets and dinner to get home to. They've also got stage and/or location owners to contend with who are always salivating over the prospect of adding a few bucks to the bill for overtime.

So, in the spirit of conciliation and good will, I'll recant my claim about getting this shit done "in less time" than others and amend it to "get it done more competently and efficiently" than most others. Cuz, you know, competency and efficiency have to do with lots of important stuff in addition to time.

But then, what do I know? I'm not world-renowned or critically-acclaimed like that Hank Spain guy.





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