We had a rare, at-home, official Sinamotion Pictures meeting this morning—we being my partner, Tyler Cash, and myself—with the Mister Rogers of Porn, Robert Lombard (pictured holding samples of various creams, oils, facial masks, and body cleansers).

Robert made the long drive from the West Side to Santa Clarita to view the final cut of a show, “Adult Stars Unscripted,” that Tyler has been editing (in his ultra-modern, high-tech home-studio) and getting ready for submission to Showtime and Mainline Releasing. Lombard is the producer, Tyler is running post-production and editing the piece, and I’m credited as director.

But let me rewind this story a bit…

Earlier in the week, I had a phone call with Mister Rogers/Lombard in which he told me he’s been reading my site and found the whole “Are Pedicures Gay?” thread rather amusing. This led to a conversation in which I admitted that, lately, I’ve been somewhat obsessive in my bathing habits, e.g., I’ve purchased all kinds of anti-bacterial soaps, cleansers, and body washes, a variety of loofa pads, sisal gloves, and coarse sponges, and a wooden-handled back scrubber. In other words, I’ve become a cleaning, rubbing, scrubbing, scouring, bacteria purging, skin peeling, exfoliating maniac.

Now it’s pretty fucking obvious what’s going on in my subconscious brain and driving my over-zealous shower rituals: It’s all those years I’ve been in porn finally catching up with me. Yep, it seems I’m now mentally-obsessed with scrubbing the porn scum off my body. Leastwise, that’s how I’ve psycho-analyzed myself in this matter. And if anyone has a better idea or diagnosis, feel free to offer it.

Back to Lombard on the phone…

All of a sudden Lombard became very excited as he began telling me about pineapple-mango body scrubs and other cleansers, oils, creams, and all kinds of fucking gay sounding shit and how his skin is so freaking soft and healthy and resisting the ravages of time and suddenly I wanted to heave because, well because this ain’t the kind of conversation two men should be having!

I loudly interrupted Robert and said, “Robert! Can we change the subject? I really don’t want to talk about this stuff.”

“Why?” Robert asked.

“Because,” I said, “It’s bad enough I’m scrubbing my skin off. If I start using all that shit my problems won't be about porn scum and feeling dirty all the time. My problem will be about self-doubt regarding my sexual orientation. I’ve already gone through this with the pedicure thing!”

Fast-forward to Lombard showing up for today’s meeting…

The first thing he did after arriving was to sit me down as he began this hard-core, hawking Tupperware-type sales pitch with all these samples HE'S BROUGHT WITH HIM (!) of feminine-sounding body cleaning scrubs and skin softeners and facial masks and other GIRLY shit he’d collected from Nordstroms and Neiman-Marcus and who the fuck knows where else.

So I’m asking all of you: How fucking gay is that?


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