July 24, 2006

Storyboarding Porn

I know some of you directors treat porn really, really seriously. After all, you’re making real movies, right? Your movies, in fact, are probably a whole lot real-er than many of Hollywood’s movies because in your movies people do real stuff like fucking and pissing and other things that Hollywood, apparently, doesn’t have the balls to shoot.

Granted, your budgets aren’t quite on a par with typical Hollywood budgets. Actually, your budgets aren’t quite on a par with typical Hollywood lunch budgets. But that doesn’t mean you, as an avant-garde filmmaker who scoffs at Hollywood’s reluctance to shoot the real shit, shouldn’t be using some of the same pre-production techniques as the big Hollywood directors use. I’m talking about storyboarding.

You know about storyboarding, right? It’s the practice of drawing pictures of various frames you intend to shoot.

Storyboards can be as simple as stick figures, as artistically-refined as modern-day comic books, or in the form of animation sequences. And since, as an innovative and pioneering XXX director, you are a director who is light-years ahead of the Hollywood game (from a willingness to do things differently point-of-view, that is) your storyboarding techniques should, at the very least, utilize the latest in cyber-technology.

For you to accomplish this, I’ve generously and unselfishly provided a link that will take you to a site where you too can storyboard your action. You know what kind of action I’m talking about, right? No! Not car chases and shoot ‘em ups. Everyone ain’t a Nic Andrews. This is porn, baby! There’s only one kind of action that matters. (Unless, maybe, you direct for Digital Playground or Wicked.) And It doesn’t matter if its B/G, G/G, or something with multiple participants, this site will accomodate your needs.

Check it out and see if it helps! Click HERE to begin planning and storyboarding your next porn masterpiece that, as always with directors like yourselves, will take porn to the next level.

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July 22, 2006

The Mighty Hermaphroditey! (FINAL)

As posted by AdultFYI who reported on my recent KSEX radio appearance this past Thursday evening, on the Two Live Jew show with Daphne Rosen and Harry Weiss, I shot my first hermaphrodite scene yesterday. It was, uhhh… interesting.

The Mighty Hermaphroditey, who refers to himself/herself as Jane, took part in his/her first porn scene ever which, depending on your tastes in porn, might be something of a good thing or some other thing. Hey! Whatever turns you on, people! The day included a lot of firsts for Jane as well as everyone else on the Damaged Pictures set. Thanks to my good friends at Damaged, I think my mind is more damaged than ever. Thanks guys!

Jane is 55 years old and, prior to Friday, had remained a virgin for all those 55 years. Actually, Jane still remains a virgin, sort of but only in one way. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.

After shooting Jane’s pretty girl shots, we started the scene by interviewing him/her. Here’s a few highlights from the interview:

When asked how he/she came to be a hermaphrodite, Jane blamed her father which, I suppose, puts Jane in similar company with more than a few other porn stars.

According to Jane, when his/her Mom was pregnant (with Jane), her Dad, a drunken lout, kicked Jane’s mother in the stomach during the pregancy’s first tri-mester. When Jane’s Dad committed this heinous act, it resulted in chromosome damage which later resulted in Jane’s perculiar condition. Personally, and I’m no geneticist or an OB/GYN, I can’t quite buy into the notion that a physical kick could result in that kind of chromosome damage but who am I to a question this statement’s credibility?

By the way, if you haven’t figured it out, that’s Jane in the image at the top. Jane’s the one on the left if you weren’t sure who’s who. Jane believes he/she looks like Jamie Lee Curtis who, Jane claims, was also born a hermaphrodite. I can see the resemblance, can’t you? Jane’s the spittin’ image of Ms. Curtis, don’t ya think?

As the interview progressed, Jane casually mentioned that he/she could, theoretically, impregnate himself/herself. Jane claims full, dual-gender, plumbing and reproductive organs. We didn’t get into which pipes Jane pisses out of–way too much information for me–but this hypothetical statement regarding Jane’s potential ability to become pregnant through self-fertilization, I’ll admit, is fairly fascinating in a creepy, Outer Limits, sort of way. When Jane first mentioned this, my intial thoughts conjured images of the new-born alien monster from Aliens 3. You’ve seen Alien 3, right? The baby alien is the offspring of the alien queen and Ripley. Not pleasant thoughts, I might add, although now that George Bush has squashed stem-cell research, I’m thinking there might be a place for Jane, and others like him/her, in the medical research community.

Jane was thrilled with my photography. He/she wanted to know how I made his/her hair look so luxuriant and beautiful. (I’m not making this shit up.) I told him/her it’s my job and I’m clever with the lighting. Jane carefully examined all the photos I snapped. Jane was pleased… real pleased. As a photographer, I can’t ask for anything more than that from my models. In Jane’s mind’s eye, when Jane looks at Jane, she sees a ravishing and gorgeous human being with only one flaw. And he/she hopes to surgiccally rectify that in the not-too-distant future. That’s why Jane’s here, hooking up with the 14 billion dollar porn industry. Jane wants a share of those riches so he/she can be made, fully and exclusively, into the hot chick he/she already almost is. It was amazing how much Jane and I had in common: I want the same thing. Well, in terms of a piece of that $14B pie… not the other part.

Finally, we got to shooting the video. The first thing we shot was a solo scene. This is when things got real, uhhhh…. interesting.

Jane was provided with a dildo and some lube. After performing a strip-tease, which sure got me going, he/she laid back and began the job of doing himself/herself with the toy. We decided to start with a small toy–Jane being a virgin and all–and save something bigger for the strap-on scene that was still coming up.

This is the part where images started being impressed and recorded on my brain that I won’t be able to delete. As Jane first stimulated himself/herself with fingers, Jane’s fingers that is, he/she lifted his/her penis and there it was: Jane’s cootchy, cooter, that Holiest of Holies. That thing that is, under normal conditions, the object of most men’s desires.

But this was different. This was something that was in a place it should not be or, at the very least, accompanied by other things that should not be and, at least in my mind, the life-support system that supported it should not be! It seemed wrong… way wrong… I mean, Jane has a way of creating much empathy for his/her condition but it remained carnival freak-show WRONG nonetheless. But again, whatever turns some of you people on.

So Jane starts getting herself off with the dildo. It was a mess. Jane over-lubed it and things were all squishy and soggy and I found myself relying more on the zoom function of my camera rather than physical proximity. Plus, I practically had to beat and batter the PA to get him closer with the C-Light.

And then there was Jane’s technique: The dildo wasn’t the only thing penetrating him/her. Jane’s masturbatory methods included stuffing her own male appendage in there with the dildo. Is someone truly a virgin if they can fuck themselves? In their own pussy? With their own penis? Man! It sure gives the phrase, “Go fuck yourself!” new meaning. These are philosophical and technical questions I don’t want to engage in regardless of how many bowls I might smoke.

After the solo scene, we got ready for the big event which was, in this case, having our female performer plow Jane with a strap-on. Of course, what would sex be without a little foreplay? And me being the kind and caring sort, plus a big supporter of fore-play arts and practices, I thought I’d have a little private talk with the female talent regarding her limitations given the carnival-like carnal aspects of this scene.

We decided, make that she agreed, to allow certain things and not others. She would engage in certain practices and not others. As you might guess, kissing was out. Sorry. No necking in the video. But petting and touching and stroking and licking and fingers were okay. Does all this sound rather disturbing? You should try having been there. “Disturbing” doesn’t begin to describe it.

Okay. Time to get back to work. Our female performer who, btw, re-defines the term “being a trooper,” comes into the scene. Jane is falling in love. It’s obvious. It’s written all over him/her. Jane’s like a puppy dog. It’s like Jane is a “Make a Wish Foundation” recipient. This is best day of Jane’s life. A dream come true. While Jane claims she is more female-oriented than male-oriented, my sense is that Jane’s brain is wired more like a guy’s than a girl’s. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Jane is simply all-female (with that minor flaw of also having a dick… “also” being the pivotal word) and a lesbian to boot. Go figure if you want. I prefer restraining myself from overly figuring this shit.

I’m not going to go into details regarding the rest of the scene. You’ll just have to wait and buy or rent or get a screener of the DVD which, btw, should include an abundance of BTS footage. Besides, I don’t think it would be too healthy–I’m talking about mental health–for me to replay and relive the experience in my mind and in print. Just know that it was, uhhh…. different. Not just everyday different. I’m talking abducted by aliens and taken to a strange world different. It was a sad, funny, outrageous, hideous, off-the-wall, Twilight Zone-ish and, I suppose and in some ways, enlightening experience. I was thinking of bumping my rate for shooting this scene but, truthfully, no matter how much I would charge it wouldn’t be enough to cover the psychological damage its caused me. So, I’ll just leave my rate as is.

The Mighty Hermaphroditey will be available soon. I know all of you can’t wait! Contact Lewis at Damaged Pictures for details.

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July 20, 2006

Thank You Fleshbot and Atomic Sex Kitten!

Imagine my surprise when I checked my stats today (on statcounter.com) and discovered, by early afternoon, I’d already had almost 3,000 visitors to my new photography blog, Pretty Girl Shooter.

Wow! Since starting the PGS blog, I’ve been getting between 400-500 visitors a day with most of those visitors coming from photography forums.

But today was different. Today, Fleshbot picked up on PGS from another blog, Atomic Sex Kitten. Recently, Atomic Sex Kitten posted about PGS after picking up on it from I don’t know where, perhaps from here, at simplyjimmyd. Anyway, Fleshbot ran a small story about Pretty Girl Shooter and BAM! Thousands of visitors and the day ain’t over yet! I’m guessing I’ll get about 5,000 visitors at PGS before the day’s over. Ain’t the internet grand? If only I had a nickel for each… well, you know what i mean.

Here’s what Fleshbot had to say about my Pretty Girl Shooter blog:

“Its vaguely creepy-sounding title notwithstanding, renaissance porn man Jimmy D’s online journal chronicling his career as an, er, shooter of pretty girls is an entertaining and informative behind-the-scenes look at the entire process of taking pictures of naked women for a living, from choosing the right lighting and equipment to dealing with harried assistants, howling models, and the dreaded Amputated Arm Syndrome. Whether or not you’re a photography geek, we guarantee you’ll be interested in what he has to say about things like contrast issues and wireless transmitters … especially when there’s gals like Roxy Jezel and Cindy Crawford to show you how it all comes together.”

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July 20, 2006

Viet Nam to Offer Free Porn

HANOI (Reuters) - The straight-laced government of communist-run Vietnam, where pornographic Web sites are banned, plans to offer dowloadable movies on an Internet site to educate married couples about healthy sex, a newspaper said on Thursday.

The official English-language Vietnam News quoted Khuat Thu Hong, Deputy Director of the Institute for Social Development, as saying “an orthodox sex Web site” would help couples learn more about “healthy sexual intercourse.”

Hong cited cases of married couples who had not had sex for a year, a rising divorce rate and rampant prostitution as reasons to publicize more information about sex.

The images offered on the Web site, yet to be named, would be only educational, Hong added.

The Ministry of Culture and Information recently ordered Internet shops to install software on all computers to monitor customers and stop them from surfing pornographic sites.

While prostitution and abortions are widespread, sex remains a taboo subject in schools and in the home.

The Vietnam Family Planning Association estimates around 1.4 million abortions are performed annually in Vietnam, which has a population of 83 million, due to a lack of sex education among teenagers and contraceptive use.

jimmyd sez: And to think, there was a time when our backward-thinking government wanted to annihilate their forward-thinking goverment. All the time, all they needed was a Nina Hartley to educate them on the joys of sex. Viet Nam sounds like it might be a good place for Adam & Eve to start plying some of their “educational” products. “Me love you long, long time!”

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July 19, 2006

Nelson X & AVN: Scandalous or Befitting?

If porn were the government, there’d be little doubt that anything similar to AVN hiring a producer and PR guy to review the work of his competitors would be scandalous! It would be akin to the Pentagon hiring a marketing guy from Hallilburton to sit on the review board that determines who the military gives contracts to. We all know, of course, that could never happen. And if it did, there’d be Congressional investigations and hell to pay, right?

On the other hand, this is porn. Really important issues that actually have far-reaching consequences for the world we live in aren’t in the domain of the jizz biz. Besides, stuff like cronyism, nepotism, favoritism, and preferential treatment are rarely tolerated in the adult industry and certainly not in the hallowed halls of its current, leading, trade publication.

Hold on a second while I dislodge my tongue from my cheek.

Personally, I’m inspired by the news that AVN has hired Nelson X. It’s given me some ideas. I’m thinking I should try to get a job with All Media Play, probably the industry’s leading, independent, PR and marketing firm, as a press release writer and marketeer. Simultaneously, I would contract with All Media to handle PR and marketing for my little company, Bad Girl Pictures. I would negotiate a deal with Mr. Mullen where my job at All Media would include writing the press releases for and overseeing the marketing of my own production company and that my salary at AMP would be equal to or greater than the cost of my company being handled by All Media.

At that same time, I’d apply for a part-time job at AVN and, once there, gain as much influence as possible with the people at AVN who decide whose press releases get the most play as well as with the people who write reviews for my company’s product, make that all the products represented by All Media Play, which would then have a reciprocal effect thus increasing my power-position and juice at AMP.

Hold on another second. My damn tongue keeps getting stuck in my cheek. In fact, let me get back to you later. I can’t write and deal with this tongue thing at the same time. Later.

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July 18, 2006

Another Birthday: PSK is 3-Years-Old!

Evan Stone isn’t the only one celebrating a birthday today. Porn Star Karaoke, at Sardo’s, in Burbank, turns three on this, the very same day Mr. Stone came into the world! I wonder if Nostradamus or Edgar Cayce predicted either of these events and what the cosmic connection between them might be? Hmmm…. a bong-load should answer those questions.

“There’s going to be a celebration that will rival the dismantling of the Berlin Wall!” Sardo’s owner and gracious host, Seymour, did not say. (What? Ponante is the only guy who can use that “did not say” schtick?)

So there ya have it! Make your plans, make reservations, make out, make whatever you want but be there or be square!

Me, I have to shoot today and I don’t think we’ll be done in time for me to get there. But don’t worry, be happy! It should still be lots of fun with or without jimmyD! Heck, maybe even more fun cuz, you know, I’m not much of a fun-loving guy. I’m more the serious, introspective type.

So you guys go on without me. Have a blast! Party! Get whacky! But please, people, drink responsibly… And wear clean underwear! (If you wear underwear.) Remember what you’re Mom always told you about the risks of a hospital visit without clean underwear on?

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July 18, 2006

Happy Birthday Evan Stone!

What kind of birthday wish can you wish for a guy who has a life as charmed as Evan’s? Beats the shit out of me!

I guess I’ll just stick to, Happy Happy Birthday, Evan!!!! And while I’m at it, wishing you many, many, more!

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July 17, 2006

This Is Why Polocks Come From Poland

At a recent fashion show at the Warsaw Fashion Street in Warsaw, Poland, a young and fairly-cute Polish fashion model hit the runway wearing Poland’s latest haute couture contribution: Wearing her underwear outside her clothes, topless, with suspenders, and sporting a kitchen towel on her head.

I’ll admit I’m not much of a fashion critic nor am I particularly fashion-conscious. Nope, JimmyD will never be accused of being a slave to fashion. Anyone who’s seen how I normally dress knows this all too well.

But, fashion critic or not, there’s something that seems so Polish about wearing one’s underwear outside one’s clothes.

First off and when you you do so, it ain’t underwear anymore– It’s outerwear.

Next, there are other reasons–hygiene reasons– for choosing to wear underwear. (I’ll resist the temptation to discuss this in detail.)

Another reason for underwear is that some people look sexy in their underwear. Again, I’ll never be accused of looking like that, i.e., sexy in my underwear, but some people do. And we certainly see many of those who do in the products our industry manufactures and distributes.

But there’s looking sexy and looking downright dumb and, if you ask me, not that you did, wearing your underwear outside your outerwear looks, well, it looks Polish if you know what I mean.

Note: Before I’m accused of being racist and bigoted, I want to publicly apologize to any and all people of Polish ancestry who, by some quirk of ethnic genetics, have the good sense to wear their underwear under their clothes and who refrain from going topless while wearing suspenders with towels on their heads. It’s these common-sense Poles who are working to make the world a better place where Polish peoples world-wide aren’t so-often the brunt of dumb jokes about dumb Polocks.

With that said, here’s a Polish Sex Quiz


(true or false)
1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
3. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
5. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
6. A G-string is part of a violin.
7. Anus is the Latin word for “yearly”.
8. Coitus is a musical instrument.
9. Semen is another word for “sailor”.
10. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
11. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
12. Douche is the Italian word for “twelve”
13. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
14. Fetus is a character on “Gunsmoke”.
15. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir.
16. A condom is an apartment complex.
17. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
18. Testicles are found on an octopus.
19. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
20. Menstrual cycle has three wheels.
21. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
22. “Spread Eagle” is an extinct bird.
23. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
24. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
25. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
25. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.

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July 17, 2006

Another Dinosaur Park Closed

This is becoming alarming. In my last post, I wrote about the Reverend Dr. Kent Hovind and the closing of his Dinosaur Adventure Land theme park in Florida. Now comes news that another popular dinosaur tourist destination is closed. This time, it’s the National Park Service’s Dinosaur National Monument, in Utah. What’s this got to do with porn? Absolutely nothing. So what? Nothing on God’s Green Earth interests you but porn news? Get a life.

Anyway, according to Mary Risser, superintendent of the Dinosaur National Monument, the building “will remain closed indefinitely until significant life, health and safety issues are addressed.” The “building” Ms. Risser refers to is a National Park Service visitor center that was built over a dinosaur bone quarry that has been deemed unsafe and closed indefinitely. The “building” attracts over 300,000 visitors a year.

Bill Johnson, executive director of economic development for the region, said county officials were caught off guard by the announcement of the closure Wednesday.

“It’s vital to us; it will definitely hurt tourism,” he said. “If people find out it’s closed, that may very well influence their decision to come here.”

No doubt, Bill. People sure don’t travel to Utah for the porn.

Remember, this is Utah we’re talking about, a state that is particularly fervent in its opposition to porn and its support of organized religion. What religion you ask? Hello! Zealous anti-porn Mormons! Remember? (Hmmm…. I guess there might be a porn connection to this story after all.)

I’m thinking the State of Utah or the National Park Service should retain the services of Dr. Hovind and his Creation Science Evangelism group. They’d get that park back open! They could argue, in federal and state courts, that closing the park for safety issues violates their “deeply held religious beliefs.” They could argue that for years! After all, it took the State of Florida 4 years to deal with that pesky “religious beliefs” argument when Florida tried closing Dinosaur Adventure Land because Hovind never secured building permits for his dino-park. With Hovind’s help and three or four years to do so, the National Park Service could fix the building in question and, afterwards, the whole point of closing the park’s visitors center would be moot.

In not time at all, Dr. Hovind could have the National Park Service’s dino-park re-opened and he might even convince park officials to put in a few theme park rides where kids could ride make-believe dinosaurs and learn about the bible. Mormons believe in the bible, don’t they? Well, the federal government sure does, we all know that.

The more I think about this, the more I think Dr. Hovind should be on the Free Speech Coalition’s executive board. I’ve already publicly stated we should consider defending porn with religion and who’d be a better choice to do that than Dr. Hovind? Besides, would it really hurt to put out a skin-flick or two that featured porn stars riding dinosaurs? Anyone? Anyone? Digital Playground? Anyone?

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July 15, 2006

Maybe We Defend Porn With Religion?

From the Pensacola News Journal: “A Pensacola evangelist who owns the defunct Dinosaur Adventure Land in Pensacola was arrested Thursday on 58 federal charges, including failing to pay $473,818 in employee-related taxes and making threats against investigators.”

Some of you might have heard of Dinosaur Adventure Land. It was a magical place where kids rode make-believe dinosaurs and learned about the bible. Did you know that people and dinosaurs once lived together in the same time period? Reverend Kent Hovind does. That’s because Reverend Hovind is a creationist. You see, if you’re a creationist there are some so-called facts (that science claims) that simply don’t add up: Like dinosaurs living millions of years before humans arrived.

Hovind has been sparring with the IRS for 17 years. According to the Dino-Pastor, he is employed by God and, as such, receives no income, has no expenses and owns no property and, because of this, does not owe taxes.

Reverend Hovind has also had run-ins with the State of Florida. When a judge ordered the buildings at Dinosaur Adventure Land closed because Hovind failed to obtain a building permit during construction, members of Hovind’s Creation Science Evangelism group claimed building permits violated their “deeply held” religious beliefs. This defense allowed Hovind to tie the case up in court for 4 years.

How does all this religious stuff relate to porn? Well, I’m thinking God created man and God created woman. God also created sex. And God gave sex to us as one of God’s great gifts. God also gave us the gift of arousal so we could enjoy the gift of sex and porn certainly fits neatly with those gifts from God. In fact, now I’m thinking porn is also a gift from God. Here’s my logic: If it’s easier for me to become sexually-aroused so I can enjoy God’s gift of sex, then porn must also be one of those things that are of the all things coming from God things. Does that make any sense? And when governments, who weren’t created by God, come along and attempt to rob me of my God-gifts of enjoying sex and porn, they are violating my deeply held religious beliefs. Capiche?

God is good, God is great, sex is good, sex is great! If it weren’t so, why did God give us the gifts of sex and porn? I think I’ve become a born-again, porn-again, Sexocostal Evangelist.

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